1. A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently "Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"
2. Santa went for an interview Bank manager: what is cyclone ? Santa: It is a smallest loan given by bank to buy a cycle.
3. Innocent kid handling his breakup ... Main tumhe bhulne ki bahut koshish karta hun, par kya karun mummmy roj BAADAAM khila deti hai. Aur muje tumhaari YAAD fir see aa jaati hai
4. Pintu was having habbit of eating nails of his hand, His parents sent him to Ramdev Baba for treatment.. . . . Now Pintu can also eat nails of his legs..
5. Teeth said 2 Tongue " If I just press u little hard, you will get cut. Tongue replied: "If I misuse 1 word against some 1, then all the 32 of u will come out at once
6. Ek bachha door bell bajaane ki koshish kar raha tha. Ek old man ne dekha aur bell baja di.Aur bachhe se bola: Aur kuch beta? Bachha: Ab bhaago.
7. Santa: Doctor ye maala kis ke liye hai ? Doctor: Ye meri life ka first operation hai. Safal ho gaya toh mere liye, nai toh tumhaare liye.
8. Dada(Grand Father): Beta ja paani le aa. Pota(Grand Son): Mai nai laa sakta, mai game khel raha hun 2nd Pota (Second grand son): Rahne do dada g, ye to hai he BADATMEEZ... . ... .. ... .. .. Ap khud he ja k le aao.
9. World's shortest poem.. Baba black sheep have u any wool? .. .. ... .. . sheep: NO, get lost.
10. Jinn : Kya huqum hai mere Aaka ? Aaka: Mere account me jaldi se 10 crore rs aur katrina se shaadi 10 sec me karwa do. Jinn: Aaaka, huqum karo...bakwaas mat karo !!!
11. Police: Oye, carparking ki jagah bike kyu park ki hai ? Santa: just smiled and said "sirf do pahiyon ka farak hai UNCLE, aa jayenge
12. Ek dukhi aadmi bola: Aisi zindagi se toh maut achhy. Achanak yamdoot aya aur bola : Tumhaari jaan lene ka huqum hai. Aadmi: lo kar lo baaat, ab insaan majaak b nai kar sakta.
13. A poor man of U.P catches a fish but can't cook due to No gas No electricity No Oil Man puts fish back in to river. Fish comes up and shout "Mayaavati zindabaad
14. Santa london k ek hotel me murgi khaane gaya lekin murgi ka english word bhool gaya Waiter: What would you like to have sir ? Santa: 1 plate Egg's mother
15. Pathan Ladki se: I Love you ! Ladki:Tameez se baaat karo Pathan: Bismilllah Hir rehman Nir Reheeem, with due respect I beg to say that "I Love you".
16. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota.. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota. Aj apna bhi bank balance hota agar dada aashiq na hota.
17. Galib ne GF ko date par bulaaya aur wo late ayi. GF: sorry, I am late. Galib: Falak pe chand sitaaron ko neend aa rahy hai, dossri ka time ho gaya aur tu ab aa rahy hai.
Feeling Lucky
A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.
Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.
Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.
Grandmother and her Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
angry-old-lady.jpgGrandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny.....I don't care who you are!
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
angry-old-lady.jpgGrandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny.....I don't care who you are!
Home-Cooked Date
Lalwa met his close friend Dadwa for guidance, and narrated to him that he recently met a girl of his dreams. He asked Dadwa's advise as to how should he proceed now!
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
20 Unchangeable Rules in ANY OFFICE
1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.
2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Rights and Wrongs for a Salesman
Aman Singh was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Chandhigarh While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Aman Singh aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Aman Singh politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try may be some sand paper!
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Aman Singh aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Aman Singh politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try may be some sand paper!
Only an Indian would Understand This Joke
Sachin, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Punjab policeman at a roadblock.
'Congratulations', said the cop...'Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won Rs.50,000/- in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sachin could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sachin answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Deepesh in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Naveen in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Toyota would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Rafeeq voice said, 'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this Rs.50,000?'
'Congratulations', said the cop...'Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won Rs.50,000/- in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sachin could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sachin answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Deepesh in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Naveen in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Toyota would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Rafeeq voice said, 'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this Rs.50,000?'
Eat this and Perform
A guy walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I have three girls coming over tonight! I have never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me interested, and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter and removes a brown box with an "X" on it. "Here," said the pharmacist. "If you eat this you'll go wild and nuts."
"Great!" the guys says. "Give me three of them."
The next day the guy comes back into the pharmacy. He drops his pants and the pharmacist looks in horror at the guys tool. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off of it.
"That "X" stuff was great, but now I need some Ben-Gay (analgesic heat rub used to relieve muscle and joint pain)," the guy shouted.
"You're not going to put Ben-Gay on that are you?" asked the pharmacist.
"Hell no." the guy shouted again.
"It's for my arms. The girls never showed u
The pharmacist reaches under the counter and removes a brown box with an "X" on it. "Here," said the pharmacist. "If you eat this you'll go wild and nuts."
"Great!" the guys says. "Give me three of them."
The next day the guy comes back into the pharmacy. He drops his pants and the pharmacist looks in horror at the guys tool. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off of it.
"That "X" stuff was great, but now I need some Ben-Gay (analgesic heat rub used to relieve muscle and joint pain)," the guy shouted.
"You're not going to put Ben-Gay on that are you?" asked the pharmacist.
"Hell no." the guy shouted again.
"It's for my arms. The girls never showed u
10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Love Thy Mother-in-Law
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetablegarden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetablegarden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Answers can be Revealing
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
Never Assume, Always Ask
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...
101 ways to reduce Stress?
1. Get up 15 minutes earlier
2. Prepare for the morning the night before
3. Avoid tight fitting clothes
4. Avoid relying on chemical aids
5. Set appointments ahead
6. Don't rely on your memory ... write it down
7. Practice preventive maintenance
8. Make duplicate keys
9. Say "no" more often
10.Set priorities in your life
11. Avoid negative people
12. Use time wisely
13. Simplify meal times
14. Always make copies of important papers
15. Anticipate your needs
16.. Repair anything that doesn't work properly
17. Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
18. Break large tasks into bite size portions
19. Look at problems as challenges
20. Look at challenges differently
21. Unclutter your life
22. Smile
23. Be prepared for rain
24. Tickle a baby
25. Pet a friendly dog/cat
26. Don't know all the answers
27. Look for a silver lining
28. Say something nice to someone
29. Teach a kid to fly a kite
30. Walk in the rain
31. Schedule play time into every day
32. Take a bubble bath
33. Be aware of the decisions you make
34. Believe in yourself
35. Stop saying negative things to yourself
36. Visualize yourself winning
37. Develop your sense of humor
38. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39. Have goals for yourself
40. Dance a jig
41. Say "hello" to a stranger
42. Ask a friend for a hug
43. Look up at the stars
44. Practice breathing slowly
45. Learn to whistle a tune
46. Read a poem
47. Listen to a symphony
48. Watch a ballet
49. Read a story curled up in bed
50. Do a brand new thing
51. Stop a bad habit
52. Buy yourself a flower
53. Take time to small the flowers
54. Find support from others
55. Ask someone to be your "vent-partner"
56. Do it today
57. Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58. Put safety first
59. Do everything in moderation
60. Pay attention to your appearance
61. Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
62. Stretch your limits a little each day
63. Look at a work of art
64. Hum a jingle
65. Maintain your weight
66. Plant a tree
67. Feed the birds
68. Practice grace under pressure
69. Stand up and stretch
70. Always have a plan "B"
71. Learn a new doodle
72. Memorize a joke
73. Be responsible for your feelings
74. Learn to meet your own needs
75. Become a better listener
76. Know your limitations and let others know them, too
77. Tell someone to have a good day in Latin
78. Throw a paper airplane
79. Exercise every day
80. Learn the words to a new song
81. Get to work early
82. Clean out one closet
83. Play patty cake with a toddler
84. Go on a picnic
85. Take a different route to work
86. Leave work early (with permission)
87. Put air freshener in your car
88.. Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89. Write a note to a far away friend
90. Go to a ball game and scream
91. Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92. Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93. Remember that stress is an attitude
94. Keep a journal
95. Practice a monster smile
96. Remember you always have options
97. Have a support network of people, places and things
98. Quit trying to fix other people
99. Get enough sleep
100.Talk less and listen more
101.Freely praise other people
2. Prepare for the morning the night before
3. Avoid tight fitting clothes
4. Avoid relying on chemical aids
5. Set appointments ahead
6. Don't rely on your memory ... write it down
7. Practice preventive maintenance
8. Make duplicate keys
9. Say "no" more often
10.Set priorities in your life
11. Avoid negative people
12. Use time wisely
13. Simplify meal times
14. Always make copies of important papers
15. Anticipate your needs
16.. Repair anything that doesn't work properly
17. Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
18. Break large tasks into bite size portions
19. Look at problems as challenges
20. Look at challenges differently
21. Unclutter your life
22. Smile
23. Be prepared for rain
24. Tickle a baby
25. Pet a friendly dog/cat
26. Don't know all the answers
27. Look for a silver lining
28. Say something nice to someone
29. Teach a kid to fly a kite
30. Walk in the rain
31. Schedule play time into every day
32. Take a bubble bath
33. Be aware of the decisions you make
34. Believe in yourself
35. Stop saying negative things to yourself
36. Visualize yourself winning
37. Develop your sense of humor
38. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39. Have goals for yourself
40. Dance a jig
41. Say "hello" to a stranger
42. Ask a friend for a hug
43. Look up at the stars
44. Practice breathing slowly
45. Learn to whistle a tune
46. Read a poem
47. Listen to a symphony
48. Watch a ballet
49. Read a story curled up in bed
50. Do a brand new thing
51. Stop a bad habit
52. Buy yourself a flower
53. Take time to small the flowers
54. Find support from others
55. Ask someone to be your "vent-partner"
56. Do it today
57. Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58. Put safety first
59. Do everything in moderation
60. Pay attention to your appearance
61. Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
62. Stretch your limits a little each day
63. Look at a work of art
64. Hum a jingle
65. Maintain your weight
66. Plant a tree
67. Feed the birds
68. Practice grace under pressure
69. Stand up and stretch
70. Always have a plan "B"
71. Learn a new doodle
72. Memorize a joke
73. Be responsible for your feelings
74. Learn to meet your own needs
75. Become a better listener
76. Know your limitations and let others know them, too
77. Tell someone to have a good day in Latin
78. Throw a paper airplane
79. Exercise every day
80. Learn the words to a new song
81. Get to work early
82. Clean out one closet
83. Play patty cake with a toddler
84. Go on a picnic
85. Take a different route to work
86. Leave work early (with permission)
87. Put air freshener in your car
88.. Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89. Write a note to a far away friend
90. Go to a ball game and scream
91. Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92. Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93. Remember that stress is an attitude
94. Keep a journal
95. Practice a monster smile
96. Remember you always have options
97. Have a support network of people, places and things
98. Quit trying to fix other people
99. Get enough sleep
100.Talk less and listen more
101.Freely praise other people
A Scary Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a young Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. The barman put a free double whiskey in John's hand and he downed it in a single gulp!!
Suddenly, the door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy....there's that f****ng idiot that got a free ride in the car while we wuz pushin' it!!!!'
John Bradford, a young Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. The barman put a free double whiskey in John's hand and he downed it in a single gulp!!
Suddenly, the door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy....there's that f****ng idiot that got a free ride in the car while we wuz pushin' it!!!!'
A Lifetime to Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
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Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
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Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
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Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
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