I have one,Your dad has one,Your Mom uses your dads,your aunt uses your uncles,Indians have along one, chinese have a short one,Madonna doesnt have one,Do you have one....how long is your one?
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Sure you must be having a SURNAME! What were you thinking..........)
Because laughter is the best medicine
1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"
2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many.
4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary!BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!
5) Philosophy of lifeAt the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
6) What is a Fear?Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!
7) UsefulSomeone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!
9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "Applicant: What is it?Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"
10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.
2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many.
4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary!BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!
5) Philosophy of lifeAt the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
6) What is a Fear?Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!
7) UsefulSomeone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!
9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "Applicant: What is it?Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"
10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.
First thing to do out of prison
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "S.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "S.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "S.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
The only thing he said was, "S.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "S.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "S.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Bill Gates- After Death
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, THAT!" said God."That was the screen saver"....!!!!!!!!!
Indian Honeymoon vs US Honeymoon (Hindi)
Mr Mahen Lal grew up in America. At the age of 24 he decided to get married but he wanted a sati savitri type of girl who will cook and clean, take care of his family (typical girl). His parents wanted him to choose a bride from his homeland. So Mahen goes to visits his old village. He fell in love with Kamla (love at first site) kamlawati was uneducated, that’s one of the things Mahen liked about her because he knows how educated girls change in the U.S. Anyway he said kamla to marry him promising her that they will go on a honeymoon. Kamla was amazed she thought to herself, “kya pati milla hai muje moon pe lejayega” She was so excited to visit the moon she agreed to marry Mahen. When they arrived in America the couple went on a honeymoon to las vegas. After the (suhagrat) was over Kamla asks Mahen, “Aap ne wada kia tha ki hum honeymoon pe jainge…kub chale ga moon pe.” Mahen replied : Suhag raat ko honeymoon bolte hai America mein.OHHHH.Par ye to Ganga ke ghat pe hamne sakdo baar kiya hai.
Mouse Ball replacement
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor laughing. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for aintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Santa Banta Robbing the Bank
Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they mess it up, but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. They do manage to take one sack each. After a while they meet again and one asks the other...
Santa: 'What did you find in your sack?'
Banta: 'Ten lakh Rupees!'
Santa: 'Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?'
Banta: 'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
Santa: 'Bah... it was full of bills.'
Banta: 'And what did you do with them?'
Santa: 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
Santa: 'What did you find in your sack?'
Banta: 'Ten lakh Rupees!'
Santa: 'Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?'
Banta: 'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
Santa: 'Bah... it was full of bills.'
Banta: 'And what did you do with them?'
Santa: 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
Funny Love Letter
Dearest Miss Someone:
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 02nd of January 2007.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 31st of December 2006 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us . Later, based on your attitude, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer . Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,Mr Someone
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 02nd of January 2007.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 31st of December 2006 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us . Later, based on your attitude, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer . Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,Mr Someone
Spicy Jokes
The Stenographer
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
======================================
Murray
had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the other guys for love-making." ======================================
Infidelity
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee." ======================================
Mary
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing
Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
======================================
Murray
had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the other guys for love-making." ======================================
Infidelity
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee." ======================================
Mary
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing
Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
Naughty Jokes (18+ Dont mind)
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed." "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her". Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies. "OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers." There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor."Has she started to neglect you?""Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.""So what's the problem?""Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies. "OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers." There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
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"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor."Has she started to neglect you?""Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.""So what's the problem?""Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."
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A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
Some Jokes to Refresh Mind
- Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu. Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .
- Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku? Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!
- Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye. Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye. Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai. Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!
- Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you. Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte? Santa : I love you Didi!!!!
- Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho? Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!
- Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the, to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu, so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!
- Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya, mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi, bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.
- Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas kha raha hai, namaste karo. Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji
- Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?" Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chhod do aur last me likh dena, paas karke dikha.
- Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai. Bhola: Hai. Frog: Nahin hai. Bhola: Hai. Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well. Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
- Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai? Santa : Sir, Mother! Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai? Santa kuch sochne lagta hai Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho? Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?
- Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai? Santa : Teen maidam. Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao. Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.
The Benefits of Marriage
On their 45th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and many great other qualities that you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Hard Core Proof
I accompanied my wife to a parlor when she went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle quite nice, and I just asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card,"
she said. (Taken Back) "But my wife is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes,I know!" she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle quite nice, and I just asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card,"
she said. (Taken Back) "But my wife is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes,I know!" she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
Quality Certificate of my Wife
A Quality Analysis Engineer married an average girl
After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:
'YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies,
'WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'
After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:
'YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies,
'WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'
The Ultimate Facts
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Husband and wife
Husband & Wife - Why divorce?In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband.""But why?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."The judge asked, "How do you know?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
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Husband & Wife - Love Your EnemyFrom his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.""Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding RingAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Husband & Wife - Why?" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms." Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Husband & Wife - Same ServiceA husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About HusbandOne woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To DoA wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer BackA man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home LateA woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him."Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him."Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
*********
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Husband & Wife - Love Your EnemyFrom his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.""Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
*********
Husband & Wife - Wedding RingAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*********
Husband & Wife - Why?" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms." Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
*********
Husband & Wife - Same ServiceA husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
*********
Husband & Wife - Talk About HusbandOne woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
*********
Husband & Wife - Love To DoA wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
*********
Husband & Wife - No Answer BackA man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
*********
Husband & Wife - Come Home LateA woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him."Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him."Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
*********
Husband & Wife - Problem Father"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
*********
How I was born??????
Pappu: Dad how was I born
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Dad: well son, your Mom & I got to gether at 'YAHOO'
we set us a date via E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe,
Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my PEN DRIVE,
JUST when I was about to "Transfer"
we realised that none of us have installed "FIREWALL"
IT was too late to DELETE
9 months later a POP-UP Window appeared & said
YOU HAVE GOT A MALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dad: well son, your Mom & I got to gether at 'YAHOO'
we set us a date via E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe,
Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my PEN DRIVE,
JUST when I was about to "Transfer"
we realised that none of us have installed "FIREWALL"
IT was too late to DELETE
9 months later a POP-UP Window appeared & said
YOU HAVE GOT A MALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sms jokes(hindi)
Sweetest Proposal by a KG class BoyBoy:Kya TU mujhse shadi kalegi?Gal:NahiBoy:Kalle na plzGal:nahi mai nahi kalungi.......Boy:kall na didi plzzzzzzzzzz ...............................................
Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,Girls NE Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....". ...............................................
Wife : Ek baat bolu??Husband : BoloWife : Maaroge to nahi?Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?Wife : mai pregnant HunHusband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, Dar kyu rahi thi??Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi. ...............................................
Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?Shopkepper: Who Phutwa Nahin Sahib Wo To Seesa (Mirror) Hai!
Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,Girls NE Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....". ...............................................
Wife : Ek baat bolu??Husband : BoloWife : Maaroge to nahi?Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?Wife : mai pregnant HunHusband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, Dar kyu rahi thi??Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi. ...............................................
Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?Shopkepper: Who Phutwa Nahin Sahib Wo To Seesa (Mirror) Hai!
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