1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 Weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve
Be Ready to Receive Shit
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
Driver's License - too cute not to forward
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'
Women's Favourite Email of the Year
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!
Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!
How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will cook the food that you gahter for the two of you, and when you discover clothing to cover yourself, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.' Then Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' 'An arm and a leg..' Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib Of course the rest is history.......!! !! Send to all the men who need a good laugh and the women you think can handle it.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will cook the food that you gahter for the two of you, and when you discover clothing to cover yourself, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.' Then Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' 'An arm and a leg..' Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib Of course the rest is history.......!! !! Send to all the men who need a good laugh and the women you think can handle it.
Just Laugh
1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer : "Ok."Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"Customer : "No."Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up untilthis point?"Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am stillgetting the same error message."Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."Customer : "What?"Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"Customer: "No..."
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4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
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5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"Tech support : ##### ***
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6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"Customer : "A white one."Tech support : ******_____####
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7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"Customer : "Pentium."Tech support : ////-----+++
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8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."Tech support : ??????
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9).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."Tech Support : ?!%#$
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10). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"Tech support : ??????
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11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need toprint document, but the computer won't boot properly."Tech Support : "What does it say?"Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."Tech support : @@@@@
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12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open24 hours."Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."Tech Support : "Well?"Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"Tech support : *** ---- ++++
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The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report thathis computer is faulty.Tech: What's the problem?User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.Tech: (keep quite)Tech: You'll need a new power supply.User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startupand it will fix theproblem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.Tech support::10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The techis frustrated and fed up.Tech support:: (hush hush)Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but thereis an undocumented DOScommand that will fix the problem.User: I knew it!Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM atthe end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.10 minutes later.User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?User : MS-DOS 6.22 .Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come withNOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give youthe file. Let me know how it goes.1 hour later.User : I need a new power supply.Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?Tech support : (hush hush)User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and hestarted asking questions about the make of power supply.Tech: Then what did he say?User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
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Hight Of all (Too Good) 15) customer care officer: I need a product identification numberright now and may I help u infinding it out?Cust: sureCCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
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2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I am stillgetting the same error message."Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."Customer : "What?"Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"Customer: "No..."
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4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
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5). Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"Tech support : ##### ***
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6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"Customer : "A white one."Tech support : ******_____####
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7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"Customer : "Pentium."Tech support : ////-----+++
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8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."Tech support : ??????
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9).Cus tomer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."Tech Support : ?!%#$
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10). Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"Tech support : ??????
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11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need toprint document, but the computer won't boot properly."Tech Support : "What does it say?"Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."Tech support : @@@@@
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12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open24 hours."Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."Tech Support : "Well?"Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"Tech support : *** ---- ++++
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The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report thathis computer is faulty.Tech: What's the problem?User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.Tech: (keep quite)Tech: You'll need a new power supply.User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startupand it will fix theproblem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.Tech support::10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The techis frustrated and fed up.Tech support:: (hush hush)Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but thereis an undocumented DOScommand that will fix the problem.User: I knew it!Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM atthe end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.10 minutes later.User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?User : MS-DOS 6.22 .Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come withNOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give youthe file. Let me know how it goes.1 hour later.User : I need a new power supply.Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?Tech support : (hush hush)User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and hestarted asking questions about the make of power supply.Tech: Then what did he say?User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
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Hight Of all (Too Good) 15) customer care officer: I need a product identification numberright now and may I help u infinding it out?Cust: sureCCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
You got pregnant
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 09 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
ha ha ha ha ha :D
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 09 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
ha ha ha ha ha :D
A Desperate Housewife
A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 under any circumstances (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate Woman
DEAR DESPERATE Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 under any circumstances (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
Madam having problem with boy
A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. what is your problem?' Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!' Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.' Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'? Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.. Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy toIIM AHMEDABAD,I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.' Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'? Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.. Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy toIIM AHMEDABAD,I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
Perfect Married Couple
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic littlerestaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I willgrant you each a wish. The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never comeagain. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember.... fairies are female too.
A Love Letter in Q/A Format
A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.
**********
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... Am I doing it?
**********
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
**********
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
**********
4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
**********
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
**********
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
**********
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
********** 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because: (a) to fulfill my wish(b) you like roses(c) by chance you got a rose
**********
9) On that day, it was my birthday. You too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.
**********
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
Love, Aakash
*********************
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format ........
Aakash , Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
**********
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... Right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali ) at the bus stand?
(a)Yes
(b) No
**********
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love. Hope everything is clear to you.
My Dearest Reshma,
Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.
**********
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... Am I doing it?
**********
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
**********
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
**********
4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
**********
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
**********
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
**********
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
********** 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because: (a) to fulfill my wish(b) you like roses(c) by chance you got a rose
**********
9) On that day, it was my birthday. You too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.
**********
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.
Eagerly awaiting your reply..
Love, Aakash
*********************
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format ........
Aakash , Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
**********
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... Right ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali ) at the bus stand?
(a)Yes
(b) No
**********
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
**********
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No
If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love. Hope everything is clear to you.
Let's Test Some Taste Sense
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. Noneof the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what yourmother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out andyelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass holes! The teacher had to leave the room!
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. Noneof the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what yourmother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out andyelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass holes! The teacher had to leave the room!
The Most Idiotic Theorems
Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.
Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.
Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.
Theorem 6. If 1/0 = ¥ , then 1/¥ = 0.Proof (by rotation). Given 1/0 = ¥ , rotate both sides 90° counterclockwise and obtain -10 = 8 . Subtract 8 from both sides: - 18 = 0. Finally, rotate both sides 90° in the reverse direction: 1/¥ = 0.
Theorem 7. Death comes to no man.Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.
Theorem 8. All governments are unjust.Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.
Theorem 9. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25
Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.
Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.
Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.
Theorem 6. If 1/0 = ¥ , then 1/¥ = 0.Proof (by rotation). Given 1/0 = ¥ , rotate both sides 90° counterclockwise and obtain -10 = 8 . Subtract 8 from both sides: - 18 = 0. Finally, rotate both sides 90° in the reverse direction: 1/¥ = 0.
Theorem 7. Death comes to no man.Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.
Theorem 8. All governments are unjust.Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.
Theorem 9. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25
A to Z of Life
A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break
AwayBreak away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give.. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.R--RelaxRefuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B--Break
AwayBreak away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give.. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.
F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.
K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.
M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.
P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.R--RelaxRefuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.
V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.
Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
Words of Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
14. OK, so what's the speed of darkness?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
14. OK, so what's the speed of darkness?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Software Engineer's CV
About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing" Birthday: The day my PL is about to fire me.
Age: 10111
Here for: web browsing in company hours.
Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here )
Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101 Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.
Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig Humor: weekly.
Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.
Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.
Drinking: The first is this.
Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.
Living: Common, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living
Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)
Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.
Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.
Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", others censored.
Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC,BSB and anything depressing.
TV shows : can't afford one.
Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meters of Home..
Age: 10111
Here for: web browsing in company hours.
Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here )
Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101 Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.
Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig Humor: weekly.
Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.
Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.
Drinking: The first is this.
Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.
Living: Common, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living
Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)
Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.
Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.
Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", others censored.
Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC,BSB and anything depressing.
TV shows : can't afford one.
Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meters of Home..
Woman is Totally Incomplete without Man
WOMAN has MAN in it
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SHE has HE in it
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Mrs. Has Mr. In it
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LADY has LAD in it
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MISTRESS has MISTER in it
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MADAM has ADAM in it
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HOSTESS has HOST in it
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FEMALE has MALE in it so on the list is unending
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So No need to proud.....
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Girls are always incomplete without boys
********
SHE has HE in it
********
Mrs. Has Mr. In it
********
LADY has LAD in it
********
MISTRESS has MISTER in it
********
MADAM has ADAM in it
********
HOSTESS has HOST in it
********
FEMALE has MALE in it so on the list is unending
********
So No need to proud.....
********
Girls are always incomplete without boys
We are men
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Women Restroom (Adult Joke)
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.' He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled APR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the APR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the APR button. 'The button APR is an Automatic Pad Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays unchanged.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urina`ing Place. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress = $5000. Wedding Dress Rental for U = $100.One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
Awesome Opinion on Love & Relationship by 5 to 10 year Olds
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU": "The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Risky JOB
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year? Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?Man:- No sir!
Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise thatI was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year? Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?Man:- No sir!
Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise thatI was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3..... Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9.. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10..... Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet Life is Big Joke...So Anticipate & Laugh it Out Loud...
2. Charming
3..... Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9.. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10..... Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet Life is Big Joke...So Anticipate & Laugh it Out Loud...
Political parties match their symbols ...
Q: Why is the Samajwadi Party's symbol 'Cycle'?
A: Because after a ban on English and use of computers, that's all we'll be able to afford
Q: Why is the Congress party's symbol 'Hand'?
A: To remind Indians that our fate is forever in the hand of one family
Q: Why is BJP Symbol 'Lotus'?
A: Lotus is the symbol of Sarawasti and learning. BJP will educate us through the wisdom of Varun Gandhi and Pravin Togadia.
Q: Why is Mayawati's symbol 'Elephant'?
A: It's a self portrait.
Q: Why is Jayalalitha' s symbol 'Two leaves'?
A: Because that's what remained after Amma ate up all the fruit
Q: Why is DMK's symbol 'Sun'?
A: So that Karunanidhi can justify wearing shades indoors
Q: Why is Lalu's symbol 'Lantern'?
A: Because there's no electricity in Bihar
Q: Why is CPM's symbol 'Hammer and Sickle'?
A: Because that's what you will be using if they come to power
Q: Why is Sharad Pawar's symbol 'Clock'?
A: Because his time never seems to come
Q: Why is Shiv Sena's symbol 'Bow and Arrow'?
A: I can tell you, but then I'll have to shoot you
A: Because after a ban on English and use of computers, that's all we'll be able to afford
Q: Why is the Congress party's symbol 'Hand'?
A: To remind Indians that our fate is forever in the hand of one family
Q: Why is BJP Symbol 'Lotus'?
A: Lotus is the symbol of Sarawasti and learning. BJP will educate us through the wisdom of Varun Gandhi and Pravin Togadia.
Q: Why is Mayawati's symbol 'Elephant'?
A: It's a self portrait.
Q: Why is Jayalalitha' s symbol 'Two leaves'?
A: Because that's what remained after Amma ate up all the fruit
Q: Why is DMK's symbol 'Sun'?
A: So that Karunanidhi can justify wearing shades indoors
Q: Why is Lalu's symbol 'Lantern'?
A: Because there's no electricity in Bihar
Q: Why is CPM's symbol 'Hammer and Sickle'?
A: Because that's what you will be using if they come to power
Q: Why is Sharad Pawar's symbol 'Clock'?
A: Because his time never seems to come
Q: Why is Shiv Sena's symbol 'Bow and Arrow'?
A: I can tell you, but then I'll have to shoot you
Bullets are Dangerous
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was peeing and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was peeing and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were peeing and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Nine Words Women Commonly Use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake
.(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F**K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake
.(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F**K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
Adult One Liners (Some of the Best) (Warning: 18+ Stuff)
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16... Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16... Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
3 Magical Wishes
A junior manager, a senior manager and their bossare on their way to a meeting.On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a Genie appears.
The Genie says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pufffff. and he was gone.Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
The Genie says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pufffff. and he was gone.Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
The Smarter Sex
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car iscompletely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottleand then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car iscompletely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottleand then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION:
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?" The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
**********
Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
**********
For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday; Ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"
**********
Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
**********
For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday; Ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"
Socrates - Test of Three
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" No," the man said, "actually I just heard about It." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, b ecause there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that his wife was regularly having Sex with his student Plato.
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