The Hippie and the Nun
A Hippie sits next to a nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her,
She said "NO! I am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.
The bus driver said "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why dont you dress up in a hooded robe go to the grave yard tell her you are God and demand sex?"
The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun said "Yes, but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity".
They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his robe and cries "Ha ha" I'm the hippie!
The nun cries out "ha ha" I'm the bus driver!
Goodbye Prayer
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
A Jew & Arab in Business
An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Arab buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders Fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab, please tell me what he does with all these Black bras.
The Arab answers: I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Arab buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders Fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab, please tell me what he does with all these Black bras.
The Arab answers: I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.
Like Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Corporate Stupidity
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
Getting a Salary Raise in these Times
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
HR Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
HR Manager: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
HR Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
HR Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a fifteen percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
HR Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
HR Manager: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
HR Manager: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
HR Manager: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
HR Manager: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a fifteen percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
HR Manager: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Abilities of a Woman's Luck
One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.
When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President"
When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President"
Rajinikanth Reloaded
The newly got symbol for the rupee is actually
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Rajnikanth''s signature.
=============================
Once while playing Rajnikanth said " STATUE " to a person.........
Now that person is known as "STATUE OF LIBERTY"....
=============================
** Breaking news **
Rajnikanth......
got shot yesterday . .
today is the bullet''s funeral...!!
=============================
Did U ever wonder...??
Wat does GOD exclaim when he is shocked?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Oh my RAJNIKANTH!!!!!'
=============================
Government pays TAX to Rajnikant for working in India...........
=============================
Awesome fact..,
Rajnikant has counted infinity twice.!
=============================
Rajnikant creats his new mail i.d.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Gmail@rajnikant.com
=============================
USA POWER
vs
INDIAN POWER
USA-
10000 nuclear weapons, 600000 army, 10000 tanks,
12000 air force, 3000 ships
INDIA-
*RAJNIKANTH*
============================
Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Rajnikanth and refused to pay
him back...
That was the last time anyone saw Dinosaurs...
=============================
A child went 2 Kashmir & startd playing by making small mountains from
ice.
Today those mountains are called "Himalyas"
&
That child name is
RAJNIKANTH
===================
FaceBooK founder Mark Zukerberg hospitalized with serious injury..
.
.
.
.
.
Rajnikanth poked him on Facebook.
===================
Why does rajnikanth wear sunglasses?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To protect the sun from his eyes!
=============================
a 22 whealer huge truck once met with an accident against
RAJINIKANTH
.
.
.
.
Since then,
it is called TATA NANO.
========================
Rajinikanth does push-ups,
he isn't lifting himself up.
He is pushing the earth down.
=============================
Basketball player to RAJNIKANT:
I can spin a ball on my finger for 2 hours ... can u ???
rajnikanth: yena rascala, how do u think the earth spins?? mind
it...
=============================
BREAKING NEWS.....
FACEBOOK HAS NOW JOINED ""RAJNIKANTH""
=============================
Once when rajnikant was playing cricket, he played a defensive
shot...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And now that ball is called...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" PLUTO "
=============================
Rajnikant once threw a coin in disgust at a black beggar,
he is now called 50 cent..!!
=============================
RAJNIKANT enters BIGG BOSS 4...
next day ...
RAJNIKANT chahte hai ki BIGG BOSS confession room me aayein!!!
=============================
Once a guy winked at Rajnikanth's wife, Rajni twisted his limbs and
broke his eyelid.
We now know him as Baba Ramdev..
=============================
Rajnikanth and a kid once had arm wrestled and the loser had to
wear his Underwear over his pants..
Today people know that kid by the name SUPERMAN.!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Rajnikanth''s signature.
=============================
Once while playing Rajnikanth said " STATUE " to a person.........
Now that person is known as "STATUE OF LIBERTY"....
=============================
** Breaking news **
Rajnikanth......
got shot yesterday . .
today is the bullet''s funeral...!!
=============================
Did U ever wonder...??
Wat does GOD exclaim when he is shocked?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Oh my RAJNIKANTH!!!!!'
=============================
Government pays TAX to Rajnikant for working in India...........
=============================
Awesome fact..,
Rajnikant has counted infinity twice.!
=============================
Rajnikant creats his new mail i.d.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Gmail@rajnikant.com
=============================
USA POWER
vs
INDIAN POWER
USA-
10000 nuclear weapons, 600000 army, 10000 tanks,
12000 air force, 3000 ships
INDIA-
*RAJNIKANTH*
============================
Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Rajnikanth and refused to pay
him back...
That was the last time anyone saw Dinosaurs...
=============================
A child went 2 Kashmir & startd playing by making small mountains from
ice.
Today those mountains are called "Himalyas"
&
That child name is
RAJNIKANTH
===================
FaceBooK founder Mark Zukerberg hospitalized with serious injury..
.
.
.
.
.
Rajnikanth poked him on Facebook.
===================
Why does rajnikanth wear sunglasses?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To protect the sun from his eyes!
=============================
a 22 whealer huge truck once met with an accident against
RAJINIKANTH
.
.
.
.
Since then,
it is called TATA NANO.
========================
Rajinikanth does push-ups,
he isn't lifting himself up.
He is pushing the earth down.
=============================
Basketball player to RAJNIKANT:
I can spin a ball on my finger for 2 hours ... can u ???
rajnikanth: yena rascala, how do u think the earth spins?? mind
it...
=============================
BREAKING NEWS.....
FACEBOOK HAS NOW JOINED ""RAJNIKANTH""
=============================
Once when rajnikant was playing cricket, he played a defensive
shot...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And now that ball is called...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" PLUTO "
=============================
Rajnikant once threw a coin in disgust at a black beggar,
he is now called 50 cent..!!
=============================
RAJNIKANT enters BIGG BOSS 4...
next day ...
RAJNIKANT chahte hai ki BIGG BOSS confession room me aayein!!!
=============================
Once a guy winked at Rajnikanth's wife, Rajni twisted his limbs and
broke his eyelid.
We now know him as Baba Ramdev..
=============================
Rajnikanth and a kid once had arm wrestled and the loser had to
wear his Underwear over his pants..
Today people know that kid by the name SUPERMAN.!!
Ole Helps a Woman in Need
A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work & go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow & don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic & take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting & returns the following day & asks:
'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of 3 patients. 'The 1st. one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, mate & the 2nd. one?'
Asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning & I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this & what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here & suddenly the door opens & a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her underwear & lies down on the table & shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
I put drops in her eyes!!
You thought I was sending a dirty joke!!
NOT ME!
Isn't that what you would have done???
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting & returns the following day & asks:
'So, Ole, How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of 3 patients. 'The 1st. one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, mate & the 2nd. one?'
Asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning & I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this & what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here & suddenly the door opens & a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her underwear & lies down on the table & shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
I put drops in her eyes!!
You thought I was sending a dirty joke!!
NOT ME!
Isn't that what you would have done???
Going Abroad...
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its first day after arrival,the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but .. Did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!!!'
Moral of Story : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere !!!
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its first day after arrival,the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but .. Did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!!!'
Moral of Story : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere !!!
Moving A Computer
Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).
Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.
Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.
1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.
2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.
3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.
4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.
5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.
6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.
7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.
8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.
9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.
10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.
11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.
12. Plug monitor in.
13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.
14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.
15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.
16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.
17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.
Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.
Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.
1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.
2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.
3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.
4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.
5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.
6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.
7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.
8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.
9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.
10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.
11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.
12. Plug monitor in.
13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.
14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.
15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.
16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.
17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.
Marketing Gone Bad
It's always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late...
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
Every girl wants a guy....
who hugs her,
when they're watching a scary movie
who gives her his jacket,
even when he himself is feeling cold
who will always be the one,
to make her laugh
who will never complain &
never stare at other women
who will be romantic &
not scared to say "I love you"
most importantly,
he will love her for who she is...
and that guy, is what google calls
'NO RESULTS FOUND'
when they're watching a scary movie
who gives her his jacket,
even when he himself is feeling cold
who will always be the one,
to make her laugh
who will never complain &
never stare at other women
who will be romantic &
not scared to say "I love you"
most importantly,
he will love her for who she is...
and that guy, is what google calls
'NO RESULTS FOUND'
Some Stunnigly Hilarious One Liners
1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, Taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..
9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.
24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.
And my favourite ...
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, Taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..
9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.
24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.
And my favourite ...
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
Pathan Not Pay
A bus driver on a stop picked up a Pathan passenger who would not drop the bus fare. He asked this hulky, tall, red eyed, turban wearing, sulky looking Pathan to pay. Pathan replied, "Pathan not pay." and sat down on an available seat.
The driver felt offended. It kept on happening everyday since then. The driver decided to face him. He took expensive karate lessons, wrestling lessons, boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated unbeatable.
Pathan came to bus this time, he asked Pathan to pay the bus fare. The Pathan replied same "Pathan not pay."
The driver started swinging punches in the air, warned the consequences of not paying and demanded he pays now.
With a surprised fearful look on his face, Pathan tumbled and replied, "Me, old Pathan not pay, free senior buspass."
The driver felt offended. It kept on happening everyday since then. The driver decided to face him. He took expensive karate lessons, wrestling lessons, boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated unbeatable.
Pathan came to bus this time, he asked Pathan to pay the bus fare. The Pathan replied same "Pathan not pay."
The driver started swinging punches in the air, warned the consequences of not paying and demanded he pays now.
With a surprised fearful look on his face, Pathan tumbled and replied, "Me, old Pathan not pay, free senior buspass."
Doctor's Medicine to avoid Domestic Violence
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.... Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.... Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
The Best Most Hilarious "Out of Office" Replies
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...
Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Legendary Proverbs
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Mallu Refresher Course
Mallu refresher course
Something for you to "mull" over!!!
Enough of Sardar jokes....... Mallu jokes are here !!!!! !!!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto
11) Where does he pray?
Everewere, in a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
.
.
.
Now, This is astounding
.
.
.
.
.
Because +86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the loongi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say
'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
"Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of
kokanet oil.
Something for you to "mull" over!!!
Enough of Sardar jokes....... Mallu jokes are here !!!!! !!!!!
1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax
2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.
3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.
4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.
5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.
6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.
7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen
8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.
9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.
10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto
11) Where does he pray?
Everewere, in a Temble, Charch and a Maask
12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.
13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.
14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
.
.
.
Now, This is astounding
.
.
.
.
.
Because +86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the loongi
15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say
'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'
16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
"Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"
17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.
18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of
kokanet oil.
Some Stress Relieving One Line Jokes
1. A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently "Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"
2. Santa went for an interview Bank manager: what is cyclone ? Santa: It is a smallest loan given by bank to buy a cycle.
3. Innocent kid handling his breakup ... Main tumhe bhulne ki bahut koshish karta hun, par kya karun mummmy roj BAADAAM khila deti hai. Aur muje tumhaari YAAD fir see aa jaati hai
4. Pintu was having habbit of eating nails of his hand, His parents sent him to Ramdev Baba for treatment.. . . . Now Pintu can also eat nails of his legs..
5. Teeth said 2 Tongue " If I just press u little hard, you will get cut. Tongue replied: "If I misuse 1 word against some 1, then all the 32 of u will come out at once
6. Ek bachha door bell bajaane ki koshish kar raha tha. Ek old man ne dekha aur bell baja di.Aur bachhe se bola: Aur kuch beta? Bachha: Ab bhaago.
7. Santa: Doctor ye maala kis ke liye hai ? Doctor: Ye meri life ka first operation hai. Safal ho gaya toh mere liye, nai toh tumhaare liye.
8. Dada(Grand Father): Beta ja paani le aa. Pota(Grand Son): Mai nai laa sakta, mai game khel raha hun 2nd Pota (Second grand son): Rahne do dada g, ye to hai he BADATMEEZ... . ... .. ... .. .. Ap khud he ja k le aao.
9. World's shortest poem.. Baba black sheep have u any wool? .. .. ... .. . sheep: NO, get lost.
10. Jinn : Kya huqum hai mere Aaka ? Aaka: Mere account me jaldi se 10 crore rs aur katrina se shaadi 10 sec me karwa do. Jinn: Aaaka, huqum karo...bakwaas mat karo !!!
11. Police: Oye, carparking ki jagah bike kyu park ki hai ? Santa: just smiled and said "sirf do pahiyon ka farak hai UNCLE, aa jayenge
12. Ek dukhi aadmi bola: Aisi zindagi se toh maut achhy. Achanak yamdoot aya aur bola : Tumhaari jaan lene ka huqum hai. Aadmi: lo kar lo baaat, ab insaan majaak b nai kar sakta.
13. A poor man of U.P catches a fish but can't cook due to No gas No electricity No Oil Man puts fish back in to river. Fish comes up and shout "Mayaavati zindabaad
14. Santa london k ek hotel me murgi khaane gaya lekin murgi ka english word bhool gaya Waiter: What would you like to have sir ? Santa: 1 plate Egg's mother
15. Pathan Ladki se: I Love you ! Ladki:Tameez se baaat karo Pathan: Bismilllah Hir rehman Nir Reheeem, with due respect I beg to say that "I Love you".
16. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota.. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota. Aj apna bhi bank balance hota agar dada aashiq na hota.
17. Galib ne GF ko date par bulaaya aur wo late ayi. GF: sorry, I am late. Galib: Falak pe chand sitaaron ko neend aa rahy hai, dossri ka time ho gaya aur tu ab aa rahy hai.
2. Santa went for an interview Bank manager: what is cyclone ? Santa: It is a smallest loan given by bank to buy a cycle.
3. Innocent kid handling his breakup ... Main tumhe bhulne ki bahut koshish karta hun, par kya karun mummmy roj BAADAAM khila deti hai. Aur muje tumhaari YAAD fir see aa jaati hai
4. Pintu was having habbit of eating nails of his hand, His parents sent him to Ramdev Baba for treatment.. . . . Now Pintu can also eat nails of his legs..
5. Teeth said 2 Tongue " If I just press u little hard, you will get cut. Tongue replied: "If I misuse 1 word against some 1, then all the 32 of u will come out at once
6. Ek bachha door bell bajaane ki koshish kar raha tha. Ek old man ne dekha aur bell baja di.Aur bachhe se bola: Aur kuch beta? Bachha: Ab bhaago.
7. Santa: Doctor ye maala kis ke liye hai ? Doctor: Ye meri life ka first operation hai. Safal ho gaya toh mere liye, nai toh tumhaare liye.
8. Dada(Grand Father): Beta ja paani le aa. Pota(Grand Son): Mai nai laa sakta, mai game khel raha hun 2nd Pota (Second grand son): Rahne do dada g, ye to hai he BADATMEEZ... . ... .. ... .. .. Ap khud he ja k le aao.
9. World's shortest poem.. Baba black sheep have u any wool? .. .. ... .. . sheep: NO, get lost.
10. Jinn : Kya huqum hai mere Aaka ? Aaka: Mere account me jaldi se 10 crore rs aur katrina se shaadi 10 sec me karwa do. Jinn: Aaaka, huqum karo...bakwaas mat karo !!!
11. Police: Oye, carparking ki jagah bike kyu park ki hai ? Santa: just smiled and said "sirf do pahiyon ka farak hai UNCLE, aa jayenge
12. Ek dukhi aadmi bola: Aisi zindagi se toh maut achhy. Achanak yamdoot aya aur bola : Tumhaari jaan lene ka huqum hai. Aadmi: lo kar lo baaat, ab insaan majaak b nai kar sakta.
13. A poor man of U.P catches a fish but can't cook due to No gas No electricity No Oil Man puts fish back in to river. Fish comes up and shout "Mayaavati zindabaad
14. Santa london k ek hotel me murgi khaane gaya lekin murgi ka english word bhool gaya Waiter: What would you like to have sir ? Santa: 1 plate Egg's mother
15. Pathan Ladki se: I Love you ! Ladki:Tameez se baaat karo Pathan: Bismilllah Hir rehman Nir Reheeem, with due respect I beg to say that "I Love you".
16. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota.. Taj Mahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka pota. Aj apna bhi bank balance hota agar dada aashiq na hota.
17. Galib ne GF ko date par bulaaya aur wo late ayi. GF: sorry, I am late. Galib: Falak pe chand sitaaron ko neend aa rahy hai, dossri ka time ho gaya aur tu ab aa rahy hai.
Feeling Lucky
A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.
Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.
Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.
Grandmother and her Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
angry-old-lady.jpgGrandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny.....I don't care who you are!
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
angry-old-lady.jpgGrandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny.....I don't care who you are!
Home-Cooked Date
Lalwa met his close friend Dadwa for guidance, and narrated to him that he recently met a girl of his dreams. He asked Dadwa's advise as to how should he proceed now!
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
20 Unchangeable Rules in ANY OFFICE
1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.
2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Rights and Wrongs for a Salesman
Aman Singh was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Chandhigarh While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Aman Singh aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Aman Singh politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try may be some sand paper!
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Aman Singh aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Aman Singh politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try may be some sand paper!
Only an Indian would Understand This Joke
Sachin, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Punjab policeman at a roadblock.
'Congratulations', said the cop...'Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won Rs.50,000/- in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sachin could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sachin answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Deepesh in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Naveen in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Toyota would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Rafeeq voice said, 'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this Rs.50,000?'
'Congratulations', said the cop...'Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won Rs.50,000/- in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sachin could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sachin answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Deepesh in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Naveen in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Toyota would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Rafeeq voice said, 'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this Rs.50,000?'
Eat this and Perform
A guy walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I have three girls coming over tonight! I have never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me interested, and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter and removes a brown box with an "X" on it. "Here," said the pharmacist. "If you eat this you'll go wild and nuts."
"Great!" the guys says. "Give me three of them."
The next day the guy comes back into the pharmacy. He drops his pants and the pharmacist looks in horror at the guys tool. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off of it.
"That "X" stuff was great, but now I need some Ben-Gay (analgesic heat rub used to relieve muscle and joint pain)," the guy shouted.
"You're not going to put Ben-Gay on that are you?" asked the pharmacist.
"Hell no." the guy shouted again.
"It's for my arms. The girls never showed u
The pharmacist reaches under the counter and removes a brown box with an "X" on it. "Here," said the pharmacist. "If you eat this you'll go wild and nuts."
"Great!" the guys says. "Give me three of them."
The next day the guy comes back into the pharmacy. He drops his pants and the pharmacist looks in horror at the guys tool. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off of it.
"That "X" stuff was great, but now I need some Ben-Gay (analgesic heat rub used to relieve muscle and joint pain)," the guy shouted.
"You're not going to put Ben-Gay on that are you?" asked the pharmacist.
"Hell no." the guy shouted again.
"It's for my arms. The girls never showed u
10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Love Thy Mother-in-Law
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetablegarden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetablegarden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Answers can be Revealing
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
Never Assume, Always Ask
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME...
101 ways to reduce Stress?
1. Get up 15 minutes earlier
2. Prepare for the morning the night before
3. Avoid tight fitting clothes
4. Avoid relying on chemical aids
5. Set appointments ahead
6. Don't rely on your memory ... write it down
7. Practice preventive maintenance
8. Make duplicate keys
9. Say "no" more often
10.Set priorities in your life
11. Avoid negative people
12. Use time wisely
13. Simplify meal times
14. Always make copies of important papers
15. Anticipate your needs
16.. Repair anything that doesn't work properly
17. Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
18. Break large tasks into bite size portions
19. Look at problems as challenges
20. Look at challenges differently
21. Unclutter your life
22. Smile
23. Be prepared for rain
24. Tickle a baby
25. Pet a friendly dog/cat
26. Don't know all the answers
27. Look for a silver lining
28. Say something nice to someone
29. Teach a kid to fly a kite
30. Walk in the rain
31. Schedule play time into every day
32. Take a bubble bath
33. Be aware of the decisions you make
34. Believe in yourself
35. Stop saying negative things to yourself
36. Visualize yourself winning
37. Develop your sense of humor
38. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39. Have goals for yourself
40. Dance a jig
41. Say "hello" to a stranger
42. Ask a friend for a hug
43. Look up at the stars
44. Practice breathing slowly
45. Learn to whistle a tune
46. Read a poem
47. Listen to a symphony
48. Watch a ballet
49. Read a story curled up in bed
50. Do a brand new thing
51. Stop a bad habit
52. Buy yourself a flower
53. Take time to small the flowers
54. Find support from others
55. Ask someone to be your "vent-partner"
56. Do it today
57. Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58. Put safety first
59. Do everything in moderation
60. Pay attention to your appearance
61. Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
62. Stretch your limits a little each day
63. Look at a work of art
64. Hum a jingle
65. Maintain your weight
66. Plant a tree
67. Feed the birds
68. Practice grace under pressure
69. Stand up and stretch
70. Always have a plan "B"
71. Learn a new doodle
72. Memorize a joke
73. Be responsible for your feelings
74. Learn to meet your own needs
75. Become a better listener
76. Know your limitations and let others know them, too
77. Tell someone to have a good day in Latin
78. Throw a paper airplane
79. Exercise every day
80. Learn the words to a new song
81. Get to work early
82. Clean out one closet
83. Play patty cake with a toddler
84. Go on a picnic
85. Take a different route to work
86. Leave work early (with permission)
87. Put air freshener in your car
88.. Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89. Write a note to a far away friend
90. Go to a ball game and scream
91. Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92. Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93. Remember that stress is an attitude
94. Keep a journal
95. Practice a monster smile
96. Remember you always have options
97. Have a support network of people, places and things
98. Quit trying to fix other people
99. Get enough sleep
100.Talk less and listen more
101.Freely praise other people
2. Prepare for the morning the night before
3. Avoid tight fitting clothes
4. Avoid relying on chemical aids
5. Set appointments ahead
6. Don't rely on your memory ... write it down
7. Practice preventive maintenance
8. Make duplicate keys
9. Say "no" more often
10.Set priorities in your life
11. Avoid negative people
12. Use time wisely
13. Simplify meal times
14. Always make copies of important papers
15. Anticipate your needs
16.. Repair anything that doesn't work properly
17. Ask for help with the jobs you dislike
18. Break large tasks into bite size portions
19. Look at problems as challenges
20. Look at challenges differently
21. Unclutter your life
22. Smile
23. Be prepared for rain
24. Tickle a baby
25. Pet a friendly dog/cat
26. Don't know all the answers
27. Look for a silver lining
28. Say something nice to someone
29. Teach a kid to fly a kite
30. Walk in the rain
31. Schedule play time into every day
32. Take a bubble bath
33. Be aware of the decisions you make
34. Believe in yourself
35. Stop saying negative things to yourself
36. Visualize yourself winning
37. Develop your sense of humor
38. Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
39. Have goals for yourself
40. Dance a jig
41. Say "hello" to a stranger
42. Ask a friend for a hug
43. Look up at the stars
44. Practice breathing slowly
45. Learn to whistle a tune
46. Read a poem
47. Listen to a symphony
48. Watch a ballet
49. Read a story curled up in bed
50. Do a brand new thing
51. Stop a bad habit
52. Buy yourself a flower
53. Take time to small the flowers
54. Find support from others
55. Ask someone to be your "vent-partner"
56. Do it today
57. Work at being cheerful and optimistic
58. Put safety first
59. Do everything in moderation
60. Pay attention to your appearance
61. Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
62. Stretch your limits a little each day
63. Look at a work of art
64. Hum a jingle
65. Maintain your weight
66. Plant a tree
67. Feed the birds
68. Practice grace under pressure
69. Stand up and stretch
70. Always have a plan "B"
71. Learn a new doodle
72. Memorize a joke
73. Be responsible for your feelings
74. Learn to meet your own needs
75. Become a better listener
76. Know your limitations and let others know them, too
77. Tell someone to have a good day in Latin
78. Throw a paper airplane
79. Exercise every day
80. Learn the words to a new song
81. Get to work early
82. Clean out one closet
83. Play patty cake with a toddler
84. Go on a picnic
85. Take a different route to work
86. Leave work early (with permission)
87. Put air freshener in your car
88.. Watch a movie and eat popcorn
89. Write a note to a far away friend
90. Go to a ball game and scream
91. Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
92. Recognize the importance of unconditional love
93. Remember that stress is an attitude
94. Keep a journal
95. Practice a monster smile
96. Remember you always have options
97. Have a support network of people, places and things
98. Quit trying to fix other people
99. Get enough sleep
100.Talk less and listen more
101.Freely praise other people
A Scary Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a young Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. The barman put a free double whiskey in John's hand and he downed it in a single gulp!!
Suddenly, the door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy....there's that f****ng idiot that got a free ride in the car while we wuz pushin' it!!!!'
John Bradford, a young Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. The barman put a free double whiskey in John's hand and he downed it in a single gulp!!
Suddenly, the door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy....there's that f****ng idiot that got a free ride in the car while we wuz pushin' it!!!!'
A Lifetime to Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
Hilarious Classified Ads (Real Ones)
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Almost Has an Affair
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Squeezing Lemons for forgiveness
There once was a Nun who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young Nun said, 'Last night a man made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The Nun asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off of your face.'
Bad Weather for Fishing
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck.
Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour. inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Your Dose of Laughter
*Looks of Disappointment*
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
__________________________________
*Catholic Dog*
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
__________________________________
*Donation*
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
-====--====--====--====--====--====--
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
__________________________________
*Catholic Dog*
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
__________________________________
*Donation*
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
-====--====--====--====--====--====--
Laughter - The Best Medicine
*Confession*
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
*********************************
*Brothel Trip*
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
*********************************
*Senility*
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
*********************************
*Brothel Trip*
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
*********************************
*Senility*
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
The Puzzling Holiday
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
We(O)man
1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (ANYTIME.)..
Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (ANYTIME.)..
Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
Exciting Week of Wife with New Recipes
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Secret to a Long Marriage
With a couple deciding to celebrate their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight before their 50th Anniversary into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For example: For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what have you decided for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Ralph: "I am planning to bring her back."
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For example: For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what have you decided for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Ralph: "I am planning to bring her back."
Heights of Shock........
Movie Name:- SHOCK..
Director:- Who else??? RAMGOPAL VERMA JJJ
A thrilling suspense story !!!
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Mom, Dad and Son (Hero)......
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The Boy saw a girl and falls in love with her
Luckily she comes to stay opp his house !!!
He proposes her
Love goes smoothly
One day Dad saw his son with that girl
Son is shocked !!!
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Interval.....
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Dad askd "Who is that girl ?
Son : I love her Dad and I want to marry her
Dad is shocked !!!
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Climax
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Dad : Its impossible. You cannot marry her !!!
Dad :"Because she is your sister"
Son is shocked !!!
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And now, a twist in the story !!!
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Mom "Dont worry son, I will arrange your marriage....You are not his son !
Dad gets Shocked !!
..........................................................
THE End
Director:- Who else??? RAMGOPAL VERMA JJJ
A thrilling suspense story !!!
.
.
Mom, Dad and Son (Hero)......
.
.
The Boy saw a girl and falls in love with her
Luckily she comes to stay opp his house !!!
He proposes her
Love goes smoothly
One day Dad saw his son with that girl
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
.
.
Interval.....
.
.
.
Dad askd "Who is that girl ?
Son : I love her Dad and I want to marry her
Dad is shocked !!!
.
.
.
Climax
.
.
.
.
Dad : Its impossible. You cannot marry her !!!
Dad :"Because she is your sister"
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
And now, a twist in the story !!!
.
.
Mom "Dont worry son, I will arrange your marriage....You are not his son !
Dad gets Shocked !!
..........................................................
THE End
Perception of a Woman Vs a Man (18+)
Women Friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
A Love Offer by a HR Manager She Cannot Refuse
To,
Aarthi Agarwal
7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Aarthi,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Aarthi Agarwal
7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Aarthi,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Microsoft Windows Command Names in Punjabi
Ha ha ha :) Too good
Imagine if your computer were to start working in Punjabi, you will have commands like these on your computer (no kidding!)
Send = Sutto
Insert = Wich Paao
Attachement = Naal Laao
Edit = Sidda Karo
View = Waikhee Jaao
Forward = Aggay Sutto
Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana
Trash = Mitti Paao
Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Dak
Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapee
Delete = Daffa Karo
Download = Thallay Laao
Properties = Jaidaad
Connect = Naal Milaao
Paste = Thook Naal Chambraao
From = Bhejan Walaa Banda
To = Door Betha Hoya Banda
Subject = Khaas Gall
Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal
High priority = Waddee Takleef
and finally..
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Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukao.
Imagine if your computer were to start working in Punjabi, you will have commands like these on your computer (no kidding!)
Send = Sutto
Insert = Wich Paao
Attachement = Naal Laao
Edit = Sidda Karo
View = Waikhee Jaao
Forward = Aggay Sutto
Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana
Trash = Mitti Paao
Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Dak
Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapee
Delete = Daffa Karo
Download = Thallay Laao
Properties = Jaidaad
Connect = Naal Milaao
Paste = Thook Naal Chambraao
From = Bhejan Walaa Banda
To = Door Betha Hoya Banda
Subject = Khaas Gall
Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal
High priority = Waddee Takleef
and finally..
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Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukao.
A Serious Elephant
A man walks into a tavern and sees an elephant sitting at the bar with a large bowl of cash placed in front of him. He walks up to the bar and the bartender explains "The first person who can make the elephant laugh will win the $10,000 in the jar. "The man casually walks up to the elephant and whispers something into his ear. All of the sudden, the elephant starts laughing hysterically with his ears flapping and his trunk bouncing up and down on the bar knocking over drink glasses. "I don't know what you whispered," said the bartender, "but here is your $10,000."
A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?" "The first time", said the man, "I told him that mine was bigger than his". The second time, "he continued the argument and I showed him mine.
A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?" "The first time", said the man, "I told him that mine was bigger than his". The second time, "he continued the argument and I showed him mine.
Attacked by the Parents
Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Jassem".... answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Jassem".... answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."
Crab dating a Lobster
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating.
Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side- ways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she
runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloveds family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter....
"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's really drunk!"
Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side- ways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she
runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloveds family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter....
"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's really drunk!"
Santa's Chicken Farm
Santa decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised "I think I know where I'm going wrong," said santa, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised "I think I know where I'm going wrong," said santa, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
Special Features of Superstar Rajinikanth
Rajinikanthism
Rajinikanth makes onions cry.
Rajinikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajinikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajinikanth can play the violin.....with a piano.
When Rajinikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,.... he turns the dark off.
When Rajinikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajinikanth and Rajinikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajinikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajinikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajinikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajinikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajinikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajinikanth.
If you spell Rajinikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajinikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajinikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajinikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajinikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajinikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajinikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Rajinikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajinikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Rajinikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajinikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajinikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajinikanth, the result is death.
When you say "no one's perfect", Rajinikanth takes this as a personal insult.
There is nothing like recession, its just rajnikanth started to save money.
Rajinikanth makes onions cry.
Rajinikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajinikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajinikanth can play the violin.....with a piano.
When Rajinikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,.... he turns the dark off.
When Rajinikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajinikanth and Rajinikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajinikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajinikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajinikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajinikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajinikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajinikanth.
If you spell Rajinikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajinikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajinikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajinikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajinikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajinikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajinikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Rajinikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajinikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Rajinikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajinikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajinikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajinikanth, the result is death.
When you say "no one's perfect", Rajinikanth takes this as a personal insult.
There is nothing like recession, its just rajnikanth started to save money.
Living a 107 Years...
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
X Ray Glasses
Banta goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... Everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleague, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta says, "Damn it, I just paid fifty bucks for it, aur saala kharab bhi ho gaya!!!! Made in China hoga.
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... Everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleague, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta says, "Damn it, I just paid fifty bucks for it, aur saala kharab bhi ho gaya!!!! Made in China hoga.
Where Do Red Headed Babies Come From?
You have to love it.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my son has red hair. He can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.How often do you have sex???
The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my son has red hair. He can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.How often do you have sex???
The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
Presence of Mind
A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The Mentally Deficient
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
An Year without Toilet?
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
Serious Funny One Liners
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Really Interesting Survey on LIPSTICK
What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
English - A Crazy Language
A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
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