Serious Family Problems
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..
Married Conversations
A MAD GUY SHARING WITH HIS FRIEND. My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!
Women are Impossible
A store that sells husbands has just opened in a city, where a woman goes to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exitthe building, and have a nice day!.
The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exitthe building, and have a nice day!.
Why only Indians are Re-Born...
Why only Indians are Re-born?
Mystery solved!
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said `I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They`re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW`s instead of the chariots, and they`re selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!` The Lord said, `Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.` Satan answered the phone, `Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.` Satan returned to the phone, `OK I`m back. What can I do for you?` Gabriel replied, `I just wanted to know what kind of problems you`re having down there.` Satan says, `Hold on again. I need to check on something.` After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, `I`m back. Now what was the question?` Gabriel said, `What kind of problems are you having down there?` Satan says, `Man I don`t believe this .. Hold on.` This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I`m sorry Gabriel, I can`t talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth". Indians will be Indians.. So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!
Mystery solved!
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said `I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They`re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW`s instead of the chariots, and they`re selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!` The Lord said, `Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.` Satan answered the phone, `Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.` Satan returned to the phone, `OK I`m back. What can I do for you?` Gabriel replied, `I just wanted to know what kind of problems you`re having down there.` Satan says, `Hold on again. I need to check on something.` After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, `I`m back. Now what was the question?` Gabriel said, `What kind of problems are you having down there?` Satan says, `Man I don`t believe this .. Hold on.` This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I`m sorry Gabriel, I can`t talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth". Indians will be Indians.. So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!
Top 10 Reasons TV is better than WWW.............
The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
1) It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2) When was the last time you tuned in to "MTV" and got a "Error 404" message?
3) There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
4) The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5) A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6) Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
7) Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8) You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
9) Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
10) You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
1) It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2) When was the last time you tuned in to "MTV" and got a "Error 404" message?
3) There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
4) The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5) A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6) Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
7) Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8) You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
9) Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
10) You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Dog Logic
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than heloves himself. - Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. - Anonymous Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise- Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
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Misunderstanding....CAUSED BY LADIES...
Misunderstanding....CAUSED BY LADIES...for themselves..
7 crawl into a hole Situations! Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling) I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided torelease some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
7 crawl into a hole Situations! Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling) I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided torelease some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Not so bad. Huh?
Not so bad Afterall?
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied at night, earned an M.B.A. and doon began to climb the corporate ladder. And now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became an executive in the company, where he's now the major stockholder. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday..' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied at M.I.T. and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now worth hundreds of millions. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied at night, earned an M.B.A. and doon began to climb the corporate ladder. And now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became an executive in the company, where he's now the major stockholder. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday..' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied at M.I.T. and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now worth hundreds of millions. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Why Dogs are better than Women
(NO OFFENCE GIRLS/LADIES - JUST A JOKE)
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
What Guys Really Mean
Here's a detailed look on what boys say and what they actually mean about that. Statement: "I'm a Romantic."True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over thehead might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"True Meaning: "I'm insecure about mymanhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over thehead might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"True Meaning: "I'm insecure about mymanhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
One Hole Behind
Gosh. This is so funny!
Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.' She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.' She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.'Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.'I'm in sales.' she said.He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?' She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.He promised. She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'. He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'
Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.' She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.' She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.'Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.'I'm in sales.' she said.He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?' She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.He promised. She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'. He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'
Secret of a Happy Life
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty-four," she replied
Most Intelligent Lawyer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language . The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers?
Brilliant One Liner Jokes
Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
What is the difference between men and pigs?Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We maynever piss this way again." Q: Why dogs don't marry?A: Because they are already leading a dog's life! Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.. Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to6000. So when would you like to start?Santa: In 3 months. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ? Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
What is the difference between men and pigs?Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We maynever piss this way again." Q: Why dogs don't marry?A: Because they are already leading a dog's life! Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.. Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to6000. So when would you like to start?Santa: In 3 months. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ? Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Drive-Thru ATM Procedure - Men Vs. Women
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender. ************ ********* ********* ********* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off. atm
FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth! 1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..6. Attempt to insert card into machine...7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt..16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone..26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too! Remember this! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth! 1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..6. Attempt to insert card into machine...7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt..16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone..26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too! Remember this! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
Rivalry Between the Sexes Continue
Wife: 'What are you doing?'Husband: Nothing.Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Pregnant Blonde
A blonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the blonde replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
Corporate Lessons (Repeated Joke)
CORPORATE LESSON #1:
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
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CORPORATE LESSON # 2
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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
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CORPORATE LESSON # 3
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The poolAnd shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!........."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
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CORPORATE LESSON # 4
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A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
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CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The poolAnd shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.
Sardar Jokes
Sardar & his wife going 2 city in auto.... driver adjusted mirror.. sardarji shouted u r seeing my wife... go & sit back i will drive the auto...======================================= 1 SARDAR PURI LIFE ONLY 1 THING SOCHTE SOCHTE MAR GAYA KI MERE TO 2 BROTHERS HAI PHIR MERI SISTER KE 3 BROTHERS KAISE ======================================= 1 SARDAR INDIAN FLAG LENE SHOP PAR GAYA . FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA JISE SUNKAR SHOPKEEPER PARESHAN HO GAYA .. GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO ======================================= WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP ======================================= SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA 2ND SARDAR: wo kaise? 1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya. ======================================= Sardar declares: . . . I will never marry in my life &. . . . . . I'll give the same advice to my wife and children also. . . . . ======================================= SARDAR talking on cell. 2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho. 1ST: biwi se..... 2ND: itne... pyar se....? 1ST: tumhari hai. . . ======================================= SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ? 2ND- Gold ring de de 1ST- koi badi cheez bata 2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. . ======================================= A donkey kicked sardar & ran away sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'. ======================================= sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai, friend: acha wo kaise? Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi thi.!! ======================================= Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai.. mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga, sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha.. ======================================= Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with Bipasha. He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon? yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai.. ======================================= Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet. He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated & say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai! ======================================= Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..?? So.. santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti.. ======================================= Santa went to mysore palace. Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!.. ======================================= Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai? Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI. ======================================= Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga. Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey? Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai ======================================= Banta: you cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio! ======================================= What's Ford? Santa: Gaadi. What's Oxford ? Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi. ======================================= Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window? A: He wanted to see butterfly! ======================================= Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe. Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti. Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO ======================================= WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP ======================================= SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA 2ND SARDAR: wo kaise? 1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya. ======================================= Sardar declares: . . . I will never marry in my life &. . . . . . I'll give the same advice to my wife and children also. . . . . ======================================= SARDAR talking on cell. 2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho. 1ST: biwi se..... 2ND: itne... pyar se....? 1ST: tumhari hai. . . ======================================= SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ? 2ND- Gold ring de de 1ST- koi badi cheez bata 2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. . ======================================= A donkey kicked sardar & ran away sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'. ======================================= sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai, friend: acha wo kaise? Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi thi.!! ======================================= Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai.. mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga, sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha.. ======================================= Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with Bipasha. He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon? yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai.. ======================================= Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet. He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated & say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai! ======================================= Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..?? So.. santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti.. ======================================= Santa went to mysore palace. Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!.. ======================================= Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai? Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI. ======================================= Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga. Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey? Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai ======================================= Banta: you cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio! ======================================= What's Ford? Santa: Gaadi. What's Oxford ? Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi. ======================================= Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window? A: He wanted to see butterfly! ======================================= Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe. Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti. Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.
Husband Gets Wife Killed by Robbers
man robs a bank and takes hostages, he asks the first hostage "did you see me rob the bank" the hostage says "yes" , all of a sudden the robber shoots the first hostage in the head and kills him.
The robber then asks the second hostage the same question; the hostage says "No way but my wife did".
Moral of the story is: If you want your wife shot take her to a bank where robbers are most likely to go.
The robber then asks the second hostage the same question; the hostage says "No way but my wife did".
Moral of the story is: If you want your wife shot take her to a bank where robbers are most likely to go.
The Man Rulesннн - Finally
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note these are all numbered '1'ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moonOr the changing of the tides.Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball orMotor sports 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -To give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -To give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.
Jokes Of Mr. Bean
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. (After 2 minutes)
Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son:
Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. (After 2 minutes)
Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son:
Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
The Pastor's Ass (18+ Joke)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Wife Gets Pregnant on Vacation
Banta Singh was talking to his travel agent Santa Singh.
Banta tells Santa, " I am ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant." Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says,
"This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Banta tells Santa, " I am ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant." Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says,
"This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Tote Ki Daastan
Ek baar ek Totaa (Bole to Parrot ) Ud Raha tha full speed par ....
Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari aa rahi thi ...
Dono ki takkar hui ...
Tota Behosh ...
Raste me Ek Beggar tha Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar le gaya ...
Usko Marham lagaya ..
Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...
Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...
Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
Bola ...
"AAILA ... JAIL .... Kya woh Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya?"
Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari aa rahi thi ...
Dono ki takkar hui ...
Tota Behosh ...
Raste me Ek Beggar tha Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar le gaya ...
Usko Marham lagaya ..
Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...
Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...
Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
Bola ...
"AAILA ... JAIL .... Kya woh Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya?"
Now that's a Doctor. I love this Doctor.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
PS. If someone meets this guy, stay away from him and keep your friends and family away from him, coz he will probably get you all killed.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
PS. If someone meets this guy, stay away from him and keep your friends and family away from him, coz he will probably get you all killed.
The Truth about Men & Women
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.
7. Although when the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have anything to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you
1. All men are extremely busy
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.
7. Although when the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have anything to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you
Logical & illogical
After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer,I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.”Professor, “Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?”Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer,and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A',although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”
How to Ask your Boss for a Salary Increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon .
Your$ $incerely,$
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear $,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .
Your Boss.
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon .
Your$ $incerely,$
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear $,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .
Your Boss.
Three dead bodies
Three dead bodies turned up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner called the police inspector, to show him what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector," says the coroner. "Second body : Irishman , 25, won 10,000 pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Ah", says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Sri Lankan politician, 40, struck by lightning" "Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
CRAZY NOT EQUAL TO STUPID
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health). He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
A Cheating Wife
guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
A Costly Memorial Stone
Harold died.
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?
7 Advantages of Mother's Milk
Mother's Milk
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth70 points or none at all. One student in particular was having a hard time thinking of seven advantages. He had written: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child.2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.3.) It is always the right temperature.4.) It is inexpensive.5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, and just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth70 points or none at all. One student in particular was having a hard time thinking of seven advantages. He had written: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child.2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.3.) It is always the right temperature.4.) It is inexpensive.5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, and just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Software Engineer and his wife
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
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