A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at London
's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in
the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was
a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and
said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And
finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many
sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "
Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff m
ake 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be do
ing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?"
=3D 93300534.00 pounds" said the young Marwadi. "What"," How did you manage
that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish ho
ok, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new
fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fis
hing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I
took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schoone
r with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be a
ble to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him tha
t new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sle
eper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in
about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"
"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins fo
r his wife and I said to him, "Si r, Your weekends screwed anyway, you migh
t as well go fishing."
Boss - "You sit in my chair........"
Marwadi Sales Guy
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Smart Parents
An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,
'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is eno
ugh!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not gett
ing divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my bro
ther back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.=20
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It'
s all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own air
fare!!'
Funniest 2 Line Rhymes
WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION , ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME - WITH THE MOS
T ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
And The Winner Is------:-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
Women Are Such Complex Creatures
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it is a girls way.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.
If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
IN SHORT...
So simple, yet so complex,
So weak, yet so powerful,
So confusing, yet so desirable,
So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !
WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY
We are like this only so true, so very true........ ..
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foi
l.
3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Ai
rport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Ka
mini & Shamini..)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their re
al names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'
10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything new in your house
, whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. *****
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won
't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties'
will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special
occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as po
ssible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic uten=
sils (got free with purchase of other stuff)
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel mean
s any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer i
t that way).
23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or r
eceive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose
daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity
of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.
28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've e
aten, even if it's midnight=20
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discov
er you're talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have
improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lun
gs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty
.
33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
37. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it to as many India
ns as possible.
I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all o
f their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is b
etter that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell h
appened to your garments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are to
ugher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughi
ng WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright=20
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fa
ll asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, le
t's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is the only proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a ret
ard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer
. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel d
oes not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry=20
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically co
nverse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to h
is buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fa
st as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest a
nd weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowe
st brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In th
is way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, maki
ng the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always fee
l smarter after a few beers."
Munna bhai wrote a love letter to his girl friend
Apun Karta Hai Love Tumse
Bolay to Ma Kasam Se
Pooch Apun Ke Heart Se
Akha Ek Ek Part Se
Ander Sapno Mein Tu Hai
Bahar Bolay To Bhi Tu Hai
Yeh Wrong Nahin Right Hai
Love apun ka Two Side Hai
Teray bina apun ki Zindagi
Ek dam Black And White Hai
Ab ek dam bolta hai tum ko
Apun Tere Liye Mad Hai
Teray bin apun ki akha life
Ek tragedy kay mafiq sad hai
Tu Na Ho Front Mein
To Full Day Bad Hai
Apun Karta Hai Love Tumse
Bolay to Ma Kasam Se
Pooch Apun Ke Heart Se
Akha Ek Ek Part Se
Ander Sapno Mein Tu Hai
Bahar Bolay To Bhi Tu Hai
Two Old Indians on a Friday Night Party
Two old Indian men decide they are close to their last days and decide to h
ave a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local
brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old Indians and whispers to her manager
, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. Th
ese two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old Indian men go upstairs and t
ake care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was
dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Laalu's appointment letter
Laloo Prasad sent his bio-data-to apply for a post in microsoft corporation,USA.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements.
Please do not send any further correspondence
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on reading this reply.
He arranged a press conference:
"Bhaiyon aur behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogi ki humko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted.Laloo Prasad continued....."Ab hum aap sab ko apna appointment letter padhkar sunaonga?par letter angrezee mein hai-isliye saath saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga.
Dear Mr.Laloo Prasad---pyare Laloo Prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet----aap to milte hi nahi ho
our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondence----ab letter vetter bhejne ka kaouna zaroorat naahi
No phone call----phoonwa ka bhi zaroorat naahi hai
shall be entertained----bahut khaatir ki jaayegi.
Thanks----aapka bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates----Tohar Bilwa.
The Dangerous Speeding Lady
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car..
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someoneyou know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car..
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someoneyou know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!
Sniffer Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work..'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work..'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Can you sell a dead donkey?
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old far=
mer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad =
news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."=20
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing b=
y lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for=
a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with t=
hat dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two doll=
ars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
mer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad =
news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."=20
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing b=
y lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for=
a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with t=
hat dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two doll=
ars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
One of the Best Interviews
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 =3D 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!
(Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International
phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction'etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.
Welcome to INFOSYS .. :-))
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 =3D 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!
(Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International
phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction'etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.
Welcome to INFOSYS .. :-))
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........
M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........
M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
2 Intelligent Blondes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Real Meanings of Computer Terms
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Top 10 most stupid questions
1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together:When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes inAfrica marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your officeasks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together:When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes inAfrica marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your officeasks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
That's how Maths is Done
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
Real Cases in PC Customer Care Records
Have you ever wondered what all call-center employees have to deal with. Read on ...
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on the top of my desk."
-------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says 'Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: Please insert the "MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "Nooo..."
-------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
-------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
-------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
-------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-------------------------
16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: Please left click on start.... do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on the top of my desk."
-------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says 'Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: Please insert the "MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "Nooo..."
-------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
-------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
-------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
-------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-------------------------
16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: Please left click on start.... do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Wife's Lover
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
ME and MY BOSS
When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's over worked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets.
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's over worked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets.
pArTy CRasHeRs
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said
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"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said
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"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".
Speak Slowly With Kids
A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself," Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Please speak audibly that the kids can hear your exact words guys.
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Please speak audibly that the kids can hear your exact words guys.
Internet Police
Offender : You!
Date: Today
Offense #ZD101FB608 : In Front Of The Computer TOO LONG!
Details of Offense :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your chair - you'll thank us for it later.
Date: Today
Offense #ZD101FB608 : In Front Of The Computer TOO LONG!
Details of Offense :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your chair - you'll thank us for it later.
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.)
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN America!
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.)
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN America!
Cool Jokes To Start a Happy Day
Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
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Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand?
Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
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So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a
building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
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Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
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Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand?
Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a
building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
Brilliant Lawyer's Questions and Arguments
Things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Do you Dare to Forward it to your Senior Manager
Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteri
a for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen.. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha
.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai....
naam hai.......... .,
shohrat hai......... ,
paisa hai......... ...
Izzat Hai.......... ....,
tumhare paas kya hai?
Scroll down to find out his answer
Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere paas Maa
hain" or those stupid Pj - "Mere Paas Raaj Maa Hai Types
Just Scroll Down:
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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....
Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently....
a for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen.. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha
.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai....
naam hai.......... .,
shohrat hai......... ,
paisa hai......... ...
Izzat Hai.......... ....,
tumhare paas kya hai?
Scroll down to find out his answer
Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere paas Maa
hain" or those stupid Pj - "Mere Paas Raaj Maa Hai Types
Just Scroll Down:
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Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently....
Signs you can tell it will be a rough day ahead...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
You see a "Aaj Tak" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and
there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don'
t have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
You see a "Aaj Tak" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and
there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don'
t have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
Missing Husband Report
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him.........????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain,
height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair,
his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks,
wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes
non veg food, we eat together, we jog together..
And the lady started crying...
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first........!!!!
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him.........????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain,
height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair,
his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks,
wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes
non veg food, we eat together, we jog together..
And the lady started crying...
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first........!!!!
The Bathtub Test
uring a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you det
ermine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspo
on, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because i
t's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
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'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
ermine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspo
on, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because i
t's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
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'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
Senior Citizen Dating
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
The Dangerous Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.=20
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.=20
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
Heart Surgeon's Funeral
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral,his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again..
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist..
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister? "
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist..."
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again..
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist..
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister? "
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist..."
Management Fundas
Once SONIA GANDHI, L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an auto rickshaw, they met with an accident and all three of them died..
Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.
He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.
But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.
He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.
Then why the differential treatment?
He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.
Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.
Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell "INDIA" and she does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.
He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.
Laloo is extre mely unhappy.
Having been a student of history (which the oth er two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history
Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".
He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now.
'
'
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Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
Moral of the stor y: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE..... ... :-)
Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.
He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.
But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.
He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.
Then why the differential treatment?
He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.
Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.
Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell "INDIA" and she does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.
He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.
Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.
Laloo is extre mely unhappy.
Having been a student of history (which the oth er two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history
Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".
He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now.
'
'
'
'
'
'
''
'
'
'
''
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
Moral of the stor y: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE..... ... :-)
Heights of Confidence
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE !!!
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE !!!
Priceless Words (Hilarious)
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, cl
ean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is
on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough ther=
e is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last nig
ht?"
His son says, "Well, yo came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything
in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I sho
uld expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tr
ied to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M M
ARRIED!"
Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - "PRICELESS"
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, cl
ean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is
on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough ther=
e is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last nig
ht?"
His son says, "Well, yo came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything
in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I sho
uld expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tr
ied to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M M
ARRIED!"
Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - "PRICELESS"
Gynecologist's Assistant (16+ Joke)
Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!
Flight attendant
THIS SHOULD APPLY TO EVERY AIRLINE DESK ANYWHERE IN INDIA - WHERE EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM" ASSHOLEs everywhere: airports, restaurants, traffic lights...........
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out..'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too .
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out..'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too .
Murphy's Laws on Girls
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confir=
m that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always=
be in your company."............ .....100% true
=20
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you kno=
w in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let =
her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess fr=
om Kumbh ka Mela)=20
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a =
girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she disco=
vered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before=
things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the d=
ay when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with =
u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate=
u
13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number =
of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
m that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always=
be in your company."............ .....100% true
=20
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you kno=
w in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let =
her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess fr=
om Kumbh ka Mela)=20
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a =
girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she disco=
vered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before=
things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the d=
ay when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with =
u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate=
u
13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number =
of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
Now That's Bad Luck (16+ Joke)
Now That's Bad Luck=20
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided=
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripp=
ed off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love =
when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the=
bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.=20
"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her=
husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let m=
e just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out =
the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to=
listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband t=
ossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned foreh=
ead!"
"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband h=
ad to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck hi=
s ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, RE=
ALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were on=
ly SIX inches off the ground."
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided=
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripp=
ed off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love =
when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the=
bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.=20
"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her=
husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let m=
e just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out =
the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to=
listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband t=
ossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned foreh=
ead!"
"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband h=
ad to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck hi=
s ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, RE=
ALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were on=
ly SIX inches off the ground."
Most Hilarious Reply to a Matrimonial Ad=20
Dear Madam:
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen=
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you=
and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and=
six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working =
hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good=
batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, oth=
er batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce=
alot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I =
am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always =
giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. Th=
at is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (onl=
y a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything el=
se. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Dai=
ly I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am=
pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.=
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? =
So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing=
myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into y=
our hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving =
you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Ji=
m. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you =
and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely s=
melling feet and looking up with lots of hope.=20
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Choudhary Bash Warraich,=20
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big,=20
and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab
I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen=
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you=
and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and=
six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working =
hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good=
batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, oth=
er batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce=
alot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I =
am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always =
giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. Th=
at is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (onl=
y a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything el=
se. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Dai=
ly I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am=
pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.=
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? =
So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing=
myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into y=
our hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving =
you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Ji=
m. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you =
and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely s=
melling feet and looking up with lots of hope.=20
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours,
Choudhary Bash Warraich,=20
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big,=20
and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab
Learn When To Keep your Mouth Shut
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!
Had Columbus Been Married
If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America, becau=
se he would have had to answer all the following questions and listen to su=
ch dramatic statements:
Where are you going?
With whom?
Why?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What do I do when you are not here?
Can I come with you?
When will you be back?
Will you be home for dinner?
What will you bring for me?
You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?
You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...
Answer me why?
I want to go to my mother's house.
I want you to drop me there.
I don't want to come back ever!
What do you mean, OK?
Why aren't you stopping me?
I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.
You always do things like this.
Last time also you did the same thing!
Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.
I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!
se he would have had to answer all the following questions and listen to su=
ch dramatic statements:
Where are you going?
With whom?
Why?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What do I do when you are not here?
Can I come with you?
When will you be back?
Will you be home for dinner?
What will you bring for me?
You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?
You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...
Answer me why?
I want to go to my mother's house.
I want you to drop me there.
I don't want to come back ever!
What do you mean, OK?
Why aren't you stopping me?
I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.
You always do things like this.
Last time also you did the same thing!
Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.
I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!
Smart Boy and Dumb Principal (Joke)
A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?
'Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'. And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.' Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'. 'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed. Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?Boy, after a moment 'Legs.' Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' Boy.: 'Pockets.' Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.. Boy.: Shake hands Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Fire truck Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME. Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to 10th Grade' I got the last ten questions wrong myself...... ....!!!!! !!!!'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?
'Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'. And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.' Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'. 'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed. Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?Boy, after a moment 'Legs.' Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' Boy.: 'Pockets.' Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.. Boy.: Shake hands Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Fire truck Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME. Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to 10th Grade' I got the last ten questions wrong myself...... ....!!!!! !!!!'
Complicated Thought Process of Men
Complicated Thought Process of Men
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him; If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .
*******
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him; If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .
*******
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ; If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .
*******
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE; If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
*******
If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u; If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
*******
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him; If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.
*******
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME; If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
*******
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him; If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
*******
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
*******
If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl; If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
*******
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ; If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.
*******
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL; If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him; If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .
*******
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him; If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .
*******
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ; If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .
*******
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE; If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
*******
If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u; If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
*******
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him; If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.
*******
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME; If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
*******
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him; If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
*******
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
*******
If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl; If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
*******
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ; If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.
*******
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL; If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!
How the company views its Employees. (HE VS SHE)
How the Company Views its Employees
1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married. He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.
1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married. He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.
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