Almost Has an Affair
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Squeezing Lemons for forgiveness
There once was a Nun who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young Nun said, 'Last night a man made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The Nun asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off of your face.'
Bad Weather for Fishing
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck.
Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour. inutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Your Dose of Laughter
*Looks of Disappointment*
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
__________________________________
*Catholic Dog*
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
__________________________________
*Donation*
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
-====--====--====--====--====--====--
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
__________________________________
*Catholic Dog*
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
__________________________________
*Donation*
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
-====--====--====--====--====--====--
Laughter - The Best Medicine
*Confession*
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
*********************************
*Brothel Trip*
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
*********************************
*Senility*
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
*********************************
*Brothel Trip*
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
*********************************
*Senility*
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
The Puzzling Holiday
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
We(O)man
1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (ANYTIME.)..
Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (ANYTIME.)..
Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
Exciting Week of Wife with New Recipes
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
Secret to a Long Marriage
With a couple deciding to celebrate their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight before their 50th Anniversary into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For example: For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what have you decided for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Ralph: "I am planning to bring her back."
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For example: For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what have you decided for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Ralph: "I am planning to bring her back."
Heights of Shock........
Movie Name:- SHOCK..
Director:- Who else??? RAMGOPAL VERMA JJJ
A thrilling suspense story !!!
.
.
Mom, Dad and Son (Hero)......
.
.
The Boy saw a girl and falls in love with her
Luckily she comes to stay opp his house !!!
He proposes her
Love goes smoothly
One day Dad saw his son with that girl
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
.
.
Interval.....
.
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Dad askd "Who is that girl ?
Son : I love her Dad and I want to marry her
Dad is shocked !!!
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.
.
Climax
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Dad : Its impossible. You cannot marry her !!!
Dad :"Because she is your sister"
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
And now, a twist in the story !!!
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Mom "Dont worry son, I will arrange your marriage....You are not his son !
Dad gets Shocked !!
..........................................................
THE End
Director:- Who else??? RAMGOPAL VERMA JJJ
A thrilling suspense story !!!
.
.
Mom, Dad and Son (Hero)......
.
.
The Boy saw a girl and falls in love with her
Luckily she comes to stay opp his house !!!
He proposes her
Love goes smoothly
One day Dad saw his son with that girl
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
.
.
Interval.....
.
.
.
Dad askd "Who is that girl ?
Son : I love her Dad and I want to marry her
Dad is shocked !!!
.
.
.
Climax
.
.
.
.
Dad : Its impossible. You cannot marry her !!!
Dad :"Because she is your sister"
Son is shocked !!!
.
.
And now, a twist in the story !!!
.
.
Mom "Dont worry son, I will arrange your marriage....You are not his son !
Dad gets Shocked !!
..........................................................
THE End
Perception of a Woman Vs a Man (18+)
Women Friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
A Love Offer by a HR Manager She Cannot Refuse
To,
Aarthi Agarwal
7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Aarthi,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Aarthi Agarwal
7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Aarthi,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager
Microsoft Windows Command Names in Punjabi
Ha ha ha :) Too good
Imagine if your computer were to start working in Punjabi, you will have commands like these on your computer (no kidding!)
Send = Sutto
Insert = Wich Paao
Attachement = Naal Laao
Edit = Sidda Karo
View = Waikhee Jaao
Forward = Aggay Sutto
Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana
Trash = Mitti Paao
Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Dak
Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapee
Delete = Daffa Karo
Download = Thallay Laao
Properties = Jaidaad
Connect = Naal Milaao
Paste = Thook Naal Chambraao
From = Bhejan Walaa Banda
To = Door Betha Hoya Banda
Subject = Khaas Gall
Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal
High priority = Waddee Takleef
and finally..
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Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukao.
Imagine if your computer were to start working in Punjabi, you will have commands like these on your computer (no kidding!)
Send = Sutto
Insert = Wich Paao
Attachement = Naal Laao
Edit = Sidda Karo
View = Waikhee Jaao
Forward = Aggay Sutto
Inbox = Undar Da Daak Khaana
Outbox = Baar Da Daak Khana
Trash = Mitti Paao
Sent Items = Bheji Gayee Dak
Address Book = Patay Wali Kaapee
Delete = Daffa Karo
Download = Thallay Laao
Properties = Jaidaad
Connect = Naal Milaao
Paste = Thook Naal Chambraao
From = Bhejan Walaa Banda
To = Door Betha Hoya Banda
Subject = Khaas Gall
Carbon Copy = Koelay Walee Naqal
High priority = Waddee Takleef
and finally..
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Ctrl+Alt+Delete = Sara Syapa Mukao.
A Serious Elephant
A man walks into a tavern and sees an elephant sitting at the bar with a large bowl of cash placed in front of him. He walks up to the bar and the bartender explains "The first person who can make the elephant laugh will win the $10,000 in the jar. "The man casually walks up to the elephant and whispers something into his ear. All of the sudden, the elephant starts laughing hysterically with his ears flapping and his trunk bouncing up and down on the bar knocking over drink glasses. "I don't know what you whispered," said the bartender, "but here is your $10,000."
A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?" "The first time", said the man, "I told him that mine was bigger than his". The second time, "he continued the argument and I showed him mine.
A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?" "The first time", said the man, "I told him that mine was bigger than his". The second time, "he continued the argument and I showed him mine.
Attacked by the Parents
Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Jassem".... answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Jassem".... answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Jassem returned to school..
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."
Crab dating a Lobster
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating.
Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side- ways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she
runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloveds family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter....
"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's really drunk!"
Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk side- ways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she
runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloveds family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter....
"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's really drunk!"
Santa's Chicken Farm
Santa decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised "I think I know where I'm going wrong," said santa, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then santa realised "I think I know where I'm going wrong," said santa, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
Special Features of Superstar Rajinikanth
Rajinikanthism
Rajinikanth makes onions cry.
Rajinikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajinikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajinikanth can play the violin.....with a piano.
When Rajinikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,.... he turns the dark off.
When Rajinikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajinikanth and Rajinikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajinikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajinikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajinikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajinikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajinikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajinikanth.
If you spell Rajinikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajinikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajinikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajinikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajinikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajinikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajinikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Rajinikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajinikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Rajinikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajinikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajinikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajinikanth, the result is death.
When you say "no one's perfect", Rajinikanth takes this as a personal insult.
There is nothing like recession, its just rajnikanth started to save money.
Rajinikanth makes onions cry.
Rajinikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajinikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajinikanth can play the violin.....with a piano.
When Rajinikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,.... he turns the dark off.
When Rajinikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajinikanth and Rajinikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajinikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rajinikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajinikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajinikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajinikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajinikanth.
If you spell Rajinikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajinikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajinikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajinikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajinikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajinikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajinikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Rajinikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajinikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Rajinikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajinikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajinikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajinikanth, the result is death.
When you say "no one's perfect", Rajinikanth takes this as a personal insult.
There is nothing like recession, its just rajnikanth started to save money.
Living a 107 Years...
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
X Ray Glasses
Banta goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses.
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... Everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleague, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta says, "Damn it, I just paid fifty bucks for it, aur saala kharab bhi ho gaya!!!! Made in China hoga.
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... Everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleague, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta says, "Damn it, I just paid fifty bucks for it, aur saala kharab bhi ho gaya!!!! Made in China hoga.
Where Do Red Headed Babies Come From?
You have to love it.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my son has red hair. He can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.How often do you have sex???
The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my son has red hair. He can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.How often do you have sex???
The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
Presence of Mind
A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The Mentally Deficient
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
An Year without Toilet?
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
Serious Funny One Liners
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Really Interesting Survey on LIPSTICK
What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
English - A Crazy Language
A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hetraveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took two months for Frank to get fullyrecovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?"
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took two months for Frank to get fullyrecovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?"
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