Checking antecedents...
An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men. After a few days, the politician at last received his detective`s report, which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she`s been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."
Extracting the Wisdom Tooth
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.00, but it would be very painful" "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead of using my normal surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away with charging $20.00" "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.00" "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
Jokes to Tickle You
Maid: What do you want, sir? Visitor: I want to see your master. Maid: What s your business, please? Visitor: There is a bill... Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village... Visitor: Which I have to pay him... Maid: And he returned this morning.
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A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.Twenty years, replied the guide. You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five. At Agra he admired the Taj s beauty and asked how many years it took to build. Only ten years, said the guide. The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don t know. It wasn t there yesterday evening.
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When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.Excuse me, the efficient woman replied, I thought we got paid for what we produce here not for what we produce at home in our own time. =================================================
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Weren t you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy. Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law. =================================================
A patient complains to a famous psychologist: Professor, I ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me. Who s been treating you until now? Dr Lal Rathor. I see. He s an idiot. I m curious to know what he advised you to do.To come and see you. =================================================
Boy to mother: I ve decided to stop studying. How come? asked the mother. I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much. =================================================
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a bomb, which one of them had in his lap.Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute, said the man carrying the explosive.Don t worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.
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A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.Twenty years, replied the guide. You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five. At Agra he admired the Taj s beauty and asked how many years it took to build. Only ten years, said the guide. The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don t know. It wasn t there yesterday evening.
=================================================
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.Excuse me, the efficient woman replied, I thought we got paid for what we produce here not for what we produce at home in our own time. =================================================
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . Weren t you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy. Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law. =================================================
A patient complains to a famous psychologist: Professor, I ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me. Who s been treating you until now? Dr Lal Rathor. I see. He s an idiot. I m curious to know what he advised you to do.To come and see you. =================================================
Boy to mother: I ve decided to stop studying. How come? asked the mother. I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much. =================================================
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a bomb, which one of them had in his lap.Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute, said the man carrying the explosive.Don t worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.
Smart Kid Letter to Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you there are worse things in life than the Report Card in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you there are worse things in life than the Report Card in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
the Church and it's power
In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church. The church and its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church authorities for $ 2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the church denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact ! As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and it's devotees that doesn't."
Reasons Why Indians Can't be Terrorists..
Here are some funny reasons why we Indians cannot be terrorists:
1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves
3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're There
4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
5. We would ALL want to fly the plane..
6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.
9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day
10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.
1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves
3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're There
4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
5. We would ALL want to fly the plane..
6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.
9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day
10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.
Members of Bush Administration
Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, cook, policeman, janitor, journalist, salesman, doctor, garbage man, lawyer, etc. David was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father; "He's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with a guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken, set the other children to work on some exercises and took David aside, asking, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Spread the Stupidity
EVER WONDER, Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkensour skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
A Brilliant Love Letter
y Dear SweetHeart,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
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