An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching tv, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "where are you going?" He replied, "to the kitchen." She asked, "will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "sure." She then asked him, "don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "no, i can remember that."
She then said, "well i would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because i know you'll forget that." He said, "i can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "well i also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "i told you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Hilarious Jokes
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, andvalues.Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of myIntelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine"
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Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said,"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week""That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now andthen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don'tlike the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and reallygood with the kids.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied."A golf gun? What is a golf gun?""I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blondewearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped thehorn by mistake.She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that byaccident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of myIntelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine"
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Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said,"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week""That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now andthen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don'tlike the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and reallygood with the kids.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied."A golf gun? What is a golf gun?""I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blondewearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped thehorn by mistake.She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that byaccident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"
Kids Jokes
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
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Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
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Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
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Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
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Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
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Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
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Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
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Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
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Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
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Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
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Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
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Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
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Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
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Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Strict Punishment
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week.
" The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week.
" The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
World's Greatest Magician
Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting abouttheir achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from theaudience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives startedpanicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air showsI made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searchingfor it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Parisand made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on theTV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenlyturned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towardsthe door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Heywhat happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician,he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mereamateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju.He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheetin front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from theaudience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives startedpanicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air showsI made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searchingfor it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Parisand made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on theTV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenlyturned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towardsthe door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Heywhat happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician,he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mereamateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju.He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheetin front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
North Indian Wife Vs. South Indian Wife
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number
of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town. 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number
of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town. 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
Few More Jokes to Tickle You
1. Losing all your friends Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management? Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
2. Brother wanted A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management? Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
Pakistani Innocence and Indian Brains
An Indian goes to America and was searching for a part-time Job there. He goes and meets the Manager of a Big Mall.
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?" Indian boy says: "$101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind." The boss said: Who is he? Indian boy says: He was an Innocent Pathan from Karachi.
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?" Indian boy says: "$101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind." The boss said: Who is he? Indian boy says: He was an Innocent Pathan from Karachi.
The Great Gambler
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher Urmela, an Indian lady to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. Urmela said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called Urmela to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me Rs.500 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.” “DAMN!” said the father. “What’s wrong?”, the Indian teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me Rs.1000 that he would see Urmela's butt before the day was over!”
Pay Attention
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger into the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger into the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Jokes to Make you Laugh
A Little Guy
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
The Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No like Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !' 'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no like Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic.' 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
Try to have fun
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Insects
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it. "Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
The Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No like Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !' 'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no like Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic.' 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
Try to have fun
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Insects
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it. "Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
Some More Jokes for You (Hindi & English)
Q: Why do women live longer than men?A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished
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There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.YOU can kiss your Girlfrd is confidence.ONLY YOU can kiss ur Girlfrd is over confidence
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Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banayato aadmi ne hai par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta?Papu: LADIES TOILET!
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Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle.Policeman gives hand to stop.Santa shouted: Oye pagal,pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?
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Bhikari-sahab ek rupiya de do. Sahab-tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte. Bhikari-abe tereek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?
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Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed, but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS
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Excuse...me what is ur sms account no ? i want to check...some error is there...kyon ki sms jata to hai par aata nahi hai....
.............................................
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished
...................................................
There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.YOU can kiss your Girlfrd is confidence.ONLY YOU can kiss ur Girlfrd is over confidence
.............................................
Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banayato aadmi ne hai par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta?Papu: LADIES TOILET!
.........................................
Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle.Policeman gives hand to stop.Santa shouted: Oye pagal,pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?
.............................................
Bhikari-sahab ek rupiya de do. Sahab-tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte. Bhikari-abe tereek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?
..........................................
Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed, but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS
...................................................
Excuse...me what is ur sms account no ? i want to check...some error is there...kyon ki sms jata to hai par aata nahi hai....
Some Brilliant Jokes (Hindi & English)
Before & After Marriege:
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you? After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don?t come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Sardar to his Wife:
Sardar:Begum aaj chicken bohut maze ki bani hai kia koi khaas masala lagaya hai ? Sardarni:Nahi bus zara murghi jal gai thi wo main ne BURNOL laga di thi.
Sardar to Wife:
A sardar had a child after 3 month of marriage. He asked his wife ye 3 month k bad bacha kaise howa? Wife replied:tumhari shadi ko kitna arsa hua? sardar:3 months. Wife: or meri shadi ko ? Sardar: 3 months Wife: or bacha kitne month k baad? Sardar:3 month. Wife: total kitne hue? Sardar: oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle;->
Whats a grownUp joke?
A sardarji?s boy asked his dad: What is a grownup joke? Sardar ji replied: any joke which is eighteen years old
2 men went to a Callgirl:
2 men went 2 a callgirl. 1st went in and came out n said ?Na my wife is better.? 2nd went in and came out n said ?U R right ur wife is much better.? If Dentist start making movies:
If dentists make films,?
the names will be - *Daant ho na ho *Jaanam brush karo *Aa ab clean karen *Kabhi teeth kabhi gum *Humara daant aapke paas hai!
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you? After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don?t come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Sardar to his Wife:
Sardar:Begum aaj chicken bohut maze ki bani hai kia koi khaas masala lagaya hai ? Sardarni:Nahi bus zara murghi jal gai thi wo main ne BURNOL laga di thi.
Sardar to Wife:
A sardar had a child after 3 month of marriage. He asked his wife ye 3 month k bad bacha kaise howa? Wife replied:tumhari shadi ko kitna arsa hua? sardar:3 months. Wife: or meri shadi ko ? Sardar: 3 months Wife: or bacha kitne month k baad? Sardar:3 month. Wife: total kitne hue? Sardar: oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle;->
Whats a grownUp joke?
A sardarji?s boy asked his dad: What is a grownup joke? Sardar ji replied: any joke which is eighteen years old
2 men went to a Callgirl:
2 men went 2 a callgirl. 1st went in and came out n said ?Na my wife is better.? 2nd went in and came out n said ?U R right ur wife is much better.? If Dentist start making movies:
If dentists make films,?
the names will be - *Daant ho na ho *Jaanam brush karo *Aa ab clean karen *Kabhi teeth kabhi gum *Humara daant aapke paas hai!
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