I have one,Your dad has one,Your Mom uses your dads,your aunt uses your uncles,Indians have along one, chinese have a short one,Madonna doesnt have one,Do you have one....how long is your one?
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Sure you must be having a SURNAME! What were you thinking..........)
Because laughter is the best medicine
1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"
2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many.
4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary!BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!
5) Philosophy of lifeAt the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
6) What is a Fear?Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!
7) UsefulSomeone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!
9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "Applicant: What is it?Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"
10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.
2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many.
4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary!BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!
5) Philosophy of lifeAt the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
6) What is a Fear?Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomachWhen pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!
7) UsefulSomeone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!
9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "Applicant: What is it?Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"
10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.
First thing to do out of prison
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "S.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "S.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "S.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
The only thing he said was, "S.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "S.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "S.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Bill Gates- After Death
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, THAT!" said God."That was the screen saver"....!!!!!!!!!
Indian Honeymoon vs US Honeymoon (Hindi)
Mr Mahen Lal grew up in America. At the age of 24 he decided to get married but he wanted a sati savitri type of girl who will cook and clean, take care of his family (typical girl). His parents wanted him to choose a bride from his homeland. So Mahen goes to visits his old village. He fell in love with Kamla (love at first site) kamlawati was uneducated, that’s one of the things Mahen liked about her because he knows how educated girls change in the U.S. Anyway he said kamla to marry him promising her that they will go on a honeymoon. Kamla was amazed she thought to herself, “kya pati milla hai muje moon pe lejayega” She was so excited to visit the moon she agreed to marry Mahen. When they arrived in America the couple went on a honeymoon to las vegas. After the (suhagrat) was over Kamla asks Mahen, “Aap ne wada kia tha ki hum honeymoon pe jainge…kub chale ga moon pe.” Mahen replied : Suhag raat ko honeymoon bolte hai America mein.OHHHH.Par ye to Ganga ke ghat pe hamne sakdo baar kiya hai.
Mouse Ball replacement
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor laughing. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for aintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Santa Banta Robbing the Bank
Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they mess it up, but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. They do manage to take one sack each. After a while they meet again and one asks the other...
Santa: 'What did you find in your sack?'
Banta: 'Ten lakh Rupees!'
Santa: 'Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?'
Banta: 'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
Santa: 'Bah... it was full of bills.'
Banta: 'And what did you do with them?'
Santa: 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
Santa: 'What did you find in your sack?'
Banta: 'Ten lakh Rupees!'
Santa: 'Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?'
Banta: 'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
Santa: 'Bah... it was full of bills.'
Banta: 'And what did you do with them?'
Santa: 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
Funny Love Letter
Dearest Miss Someone:
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 02nd of January 2007.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 31st of December 2006 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us . Later, based on your attitude, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer . Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,Mr Someone
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 02nd of January 2007.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 31st of December 2006 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us . Later, based on your attitude, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer . Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,Mr Someone
Spicy Jokes
The Stenographer
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
======================================
Murray
had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the other guys for love-making." ======================================
Infidelity
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee." ======================================
Mary
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing
Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining." "That's all right," he said, "I'm not the Doctor."
======================================
Murray
had a new flame, and before long they had a difference of opinion. "I don't like the way you're carrying on with other guys," he ranted, "That must stop!" "Calm down, Murray," she replied, "There's no reason for you to flip. Listen, don't I always let you take me to shows?" "Yeah." "And to dinner?" "That's right." "And don't I let you buy me flowers and clothes, and other gifts?" "Yeah." "So what are you getting excited about," she assured him, "I only use the other guys for love-making." ======================================
Infidelity
A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence:
"Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee." ======================================
Mary
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing
Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend." "Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
Naughty Jokes (18+ Dont mind)
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed." "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her". Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies. "OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers." There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor."Has she started to neglect you?""Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.""So what's the problem?""Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies. "OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers." There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
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"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor."Has she started to neglect you?""Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.""So what's the problem?""Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."
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A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
Some Jokes to Refresh Mind
- Banta to Doctor : Doctor Sahab! Mein apna dimag daan karna chahta hu. Doctor : Hoga to hum le lenge .
- Son to Dad : Papa, Mein itna bada kab hounga ki mein mummy se bina puche bahar ja saku? Papa : Beta abhi itna bada to mein bhi nahi hua!!!
- Autowala to Santa : Sahab, 100 rupaye ho gaye. Santa ne 50 rupaye autowale ko de diye. Autowala : Sahab ye to gundagardi hai, meter ki hisab se 100 rupaye hue hai. Santa : Tu bhi to baithkar aaya hai, tera kiraya bhi kya mujhe dena parega!!!
- Ek din Santa ne apni premika ko himmat jutakar keh dala - I love you. Premika(Gusse se) : Jara pyar se nahi keh sakte? Santa : I love you Didi!!!!
- Girl : Tum ladke kisi bhi ladki me sabse pehle kya dekhte ho? Boy : Ye to depend karta hai ki ladki aa rahi hai ya ja rahi hai!!
- Dur gaon me jab maa baap sote nahi the, to bacha kehta hai, so ja bapu, so ja, warna ek aur ho jayega!!!
- Girl-to-Boy - Aaye bewafe tune sab kuch saaf kar diya, mera dil jala kar rakh kar diya Boy-to-Girl - Aye ladki, teri kurbani bekar nahi jayegi, bhej de rakh mujhe, bartan manjne ke kaam aayegi.
- Pati aur patni ghumne gaye. Raaste me ek gadhe ko ghaas kata dekh patni ne pati se kaha - Oo G tumhara rishtedaar ghaas kha raha hai, namaste karo. Pati - Namaste Sasur Ji
- Santa ne Banta se kaha,"Sabse bada challenge kya hai?" Banta replied - Answer sheet ko khaali chhod do aur last me likh dena, paas karke dikha.
- Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai. Bhola: Hai. Frog: Nahin hai. Bhola: Hai. Frog: Nahin hai and jumps into the well. Bhola: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
- Teacher : Santa batao `M' for kya hota hai? Santa : Sir, Mother! Teacher : Right! Aab batao W for kya hota hai? Santa kuch sochne lagta hai Teacher : Santa kya soch rahe ho? Santa : Sir, mein yeh soch raha tha ki Maa ulti kaise ho gayi?
- Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai? Santa : Teen maidam. Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao. Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu aur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.
The Benefits of Marriage
On their 45th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and many great other qualities that you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Hard Core Proof
I accompanied my wife to a parlor when she went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle quite nice, and I just asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card,"
she said. (Taken Back) "But my wife is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes,I know!" she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle quite nice, and I just asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card,"
she said. (Taken Back) "But my wife is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes,I know!" she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
Quality Certificate of my Wife
A Quality Analysis Engineer married an average girl
After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:
'YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies,
'WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'
After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:
'YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies,
'WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'
The Ultimate Facts
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Husband and wife
Husband & Wife - Why divorce?In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband.""But why?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."The judge asked, "How do you know?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
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Husband & Wife - Love Your EnemyFrom his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.""Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding RingAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Husband & Wife - Why?" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms." Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Husband & Wife - Same ServiceA husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About HusbandOne woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To DoA wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer BackA man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home LateA woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him."Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him."Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
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Husband & Wife - Love Your EnemyFrom his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.""Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding RingAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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Husband & Wife - Why?" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms." Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Husband & Wife - Same ServiceA husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About HusbandOne woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
*********
Husband & Wife - Love To DoA wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer BackA man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Come Home LateA woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him."Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him."Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet
*********
How I was born??????
Pappu: Dad how was I born
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Dad: well son, your Mom & I got to gether at 'YAHOO'
we set us a date via E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe,
Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my PEN DRIVE,
JUST when I was about to "Transfer"
we realised that none of us have installed "FIREWALL"
IT was too late to DELETE
9 months later a POP-UP Window appeared & said
YOU HAVE GOT A MALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dad: well son, your Mom & I got to gether at 'YAHOO'
we set us a date via E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe,
Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my PEN DRIVE,
JUST when I was about to "Transfer"
we realised that none of us have installed "FIREWALL"
IT was too late to DELETE
9 months later a POP-UP Window appeared & said
YOU HAVE GOT A MALE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sms jokes(hindi)
Sweetest Proposal by a KG class BoyBoy:Kya TU mujhse shadi kalegi?Gal:NahiBoy:Kalle na plzGal:nahi mai nahi kalungi.......Boy:kall na didi plzzzzzzzzzz ...............................................
Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,Girls NE Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....". ...............................................
Wife : Ek baat bolu??Husband : BoloWife : Maaroge to nahi?Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?Wife : mai pregnant HunHusband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, Dar kyu rahi thi??Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi. ...............................................
Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?Shopkepper: Who Phutwa Nahin Sahib Wo To Seesa (Mirror) Hai!
Girls Collage mai Strike ho gai,Sabhi girls Nare Laga rahi hai,Girls k satth Boys bhi unka satth de rahe hai,Girls NE Nare lagate huye "HAMARI MANGE....,Piche se Awaz aye,"SINDUR SE BHARO....". ...............................................
Wife : Ek baat bolu??Husband : BoloWife : Maaroge to nahi?Husbund : Nahi to, kya baat hai?Wife : mai pregnant HunHusband : Hurray!!! Its gud news, Dar kyu rahi thi??Wife : College ke dino mai papa ko bataya tha to badi maar padi thi. ...............................................
Lalu Goes 2A Shop & Asks:A Bandarva Ka Photu Kitne Ka He Re?Shopkepper: Who Phutwa Nahin Sahib Wo To Seesa (Mirror) Hai!
Inzamam's Interview after a Match
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always used his standard response to the first question after winning. But this time.....
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!
Inzamam: Bismillah-e- Rehman-e- Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.
Tony fainted!
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!
Inzamam: Bismillah-e- Rehman-e- Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.
Tony fainted!
Rich Marwari in New York!
A Maadu named Jaikishan lived in New York city. Once he went to a bank to request a loan of $5000 as he was about to leave for a business trip to Europe. The bank agreed for the loan but asked for a guarantee. The Maadu immediately handed the bank manager the keys to his brand new rolls royce that was parked downstairs. The bank people agreed and parked the rolls royce in their parking lot. The Maadu took the $5000 and went to Europe. He returned after a week. The bank asked him $12.50 interest on the loan. The Maadu paid the amount and the interest and was about to leave before the bank manager stopped him for a minute. The manager told the maadu that he was pleased to do business with the maadu but he also told that, 'sir, we checked your accounts and we came to know that you are a millionaire, then why did you borrow just $5000 from us?' The Maadu replied,' it's not the $5000 that matter, What matters is that I couldn't have found such a safe parking for my car for $12.50 for a week.'
The Infosys and Sholay joke
- Amitabh : Mausi ladka "Infosys " mein kaam karta hai…
- Mausi : Hai raam…
- Amitabh : Aajkal allocated bhi hai…
- Mausi : To kya kabhi unallocated ( i.e. bench pe) bhi rahta hai????
- Amitabh : Ab C rating waalon ka allocation itni asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi …
- Mausi : To kya C rating bhi aati hai uski????
- Amitabh : Project manager se ladaai karne ke baad A ya uske upar ki rating to nahin na milti hai mausi…
- Mausi : To kya ladaaku bhi hai????
- Amitabh : Ab onsite jaane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi-kabhi anban …
- Mausi : To kya onsite bhi nahin gayaa aaj tak????
- Amitabh : Ab civil engineers ka Visa itni jaldi kahaan lagta hai mausi…
- Mausi : To kya ladka civil engineer hai???? Engineering kaun se college se kiya hai????
- Amitabh : Bas uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge
- Amitabh : To kya main rishta pakka samjhun mausi ??
- Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari Basanti call center waale se shaadi kar le, par INFY waale se kabhi nahin karegi…….
THE OLD MOTOR
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'Thisis amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'
smile
There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Santa's Wedding Night
Santa and Preeto had just got married. It was their wedding night in a five star hotel. Preeto was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee, "Take me Santa. Take me now!"
Santa being a virgin and very good boy didn't have the faintest idea what to do next, suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mom for advice.
Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Preeto pees. Santa was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Preeto would love it.
Santa came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Preeto if she was ready.
Preeto shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"
Then she watched in amazement as Santa ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
Santa being a virgin and very good boy didn't have the faintest idea what to do next, suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mom for advice.
Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Preeto pees. Santa was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Preeto would love it.
Santa came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Preeto if she was ready.
Preeto shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"
Then she watched in amazement as Santa ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
लगता है पहुच गयी
एक आदमी अपनी बीवी का अंतिम संस्कार करके घर जा रहा था की अचानक बिजली चमकी, बदल गरज़े, ज़ोर से बारिश शुरू हुई.
आदमी बोला: लगता है पहुँच गई
आदमी बोला: लगता है पहुँच गई
कुछ तो पहन ले
1980 Girls: माँ मे Jeans पहनुंगीमाँ : नहीं बेटी लोग क्या कहेंगे?
2007 Girls: माँ में मिनी स्कर्ट पहनुंगीमाँ: पहनले बेटी कुछ तो पेहन ले!
2007 Girls: माँ में मिनी स्कर्ट पहनुंगीमाँ: पहनले बेटी कुछ तो पेहन ले!
किस
एक बार अटल बिहारी , मुशर्रफ , मल्लिका शेरावत और मार्गरेट थेचर , एक साथ ट्रेन में सफर कर रहे थे। ट्रेन एक सुरंग के अंदर से गुजरी , घना अंधेरा छा गया। अटल को पता नही क्या सूझी , उसने अपने हाथ को चूमकर एक जोरदार आवाज निकाली और एक जोरदार झापड़ मुशर्रफ के रसीद कर दिया। सभी ने झापड़ की आवाज़ को सुना। ट्रेन जब सुरंग से बाहर निकली , सबने देखा , मुशर्रफ अपने गाल को सहला रहा था , सभी ने अलग अलग सोचा : -मुशर्रफ सोच रहा था : अटल ने मल्लिका को किस किया होगा , गलती से झापड़ मुझे पड़ गया।
मल्लिका सोच रही थी : हो सकता है मुशर्रफ ने मेरे को किस करने के चक्कर मे मार्गरेट थैचर को किस कर दिया हो इसलिए पिटा।
मार्गरेट सोच रही थीं : ये मुशर्रफ भी ना , गलत जगह हाथ डाल देता है , मुझे किस करता तो , कम से कम , झापड़ तो ना पड़ता ।
अटल सोच रहे थे : अगली बार सुरंग आएगी तो फिर से करूंगा।
मल्लिका सोच रही थी : हो सकता है मुशर्रफ ने मेरे को किस करने के चक्कर मे मार्गरेट थैचर को किस कर दिया हो इसलिए पिटा।
मार्गरेट सोच रही थीं : ये मुशर्रफ भी ना , गलत जगह हाथ डाल देता है , मुझे किस करता तो , कम से कम , झापड़ तो ना पड़ता ।
अटल सोच रहे थे : अगली बार सुरंग आएगी तो फिर से करूंगा।
Life Before & After Marriage
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don ' t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I ' m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don ' t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I ' m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
An Interesting Letter. Son Vs Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
The Reply from the Dad was:
---
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
The Reply from the Dad was:
---
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
This is how the World Works
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York, he sees a little girl being attacked by a bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?
The man says: - "I am a Iraqi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog, Connections to terrorist networks are being explored"
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?
The man says: - "I am a Iraqi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog, Connections to terrorist networks are being explored"
too good too bad
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer.. what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer.. what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week
Time for Some Logic
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work !
In other words,
Human that don't enjoy = Donkey that work
**************************
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money
If Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
**************************
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend
If, Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys
**************************
So the Conclusion is:
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work !
In other words,
Human that don't enjoy = Donkey that work
**************************
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money
If Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
**************************
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend
If, Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys
**************************
So the Conclusion is:
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
Microwave oven
Santa Singh goes into an electrical goods store, you know one of these stores that sells fridges, TVs etc. Santa walks up to the salesman, points and says,
“I want to buy this TV.”
The salesman say, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”
So Santa goes away and comes back two hours later after having a haircut, points and says, “I want to buy this TV.”
The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”
Santa goes away again and comes back two hours later with his beard and moustache also shaved, points and says, “I want to buy this TV”.
The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to Surds, Why are you wasting your and my time? Don’t come back in the shop again!” Santa says sheepishly,
“OK, you do not sell to Surds. But tell me how did you figure out that I was a surd even after I had shaved my hair, mustache and beard. The salesman replied, “Because that TV you want to buy is actually a microwave oven.”
“I want to buy this TV.”
The salesman say, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”
So Santa goes away and comes back two hours later after having a haircut, points and says, “I want to buy this TV.”
The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds.”
Santa goes away again and comes back two hours later with his beard and moustache also shaved, points and says, “I want to buy this TV”.
The salesman once again replies, “Sorry, we do not sell anything to Surds, Why are you wasting your and my time? Don’t come back in the shop again!” Santa says sheepishly,
“OK, you do not sell to Surds. But tell me how did you figure out that I was a surd even after I had shaved my hair, mustache and beard. The salesman replied, “Because that TV you want to buy is actually a microwave oven.”
Secret of a happy married life by a man
Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced,
X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced,
X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".
Tapori SMS (Hindi)
Bole to ekdum jhakas style propose marne ka,
Yun ghoor ke kya dekhti hai, Maardalegi kya?
Dil dena hai to de, Rakh ke achaar dalegi kya?
------------------------------
Munna bhai: Circuit ye valentine day kaun sa din hai?
Circuit: Simple bhai aajkal valentine day ‘Kiss Day’ ko kahete hai.
------------------------------------------
Tum apun ko itna sms karta hai..
Apun ko reply karneko majbur karta hai..
Kya iske peeche koi plan hai..
Ya auro ki tarah tum bhi apun ka fan hai..
------------------------------------------
Munna bhai: Abe circuite bata, agar bina dato ka kutta kate to kya karne ka?
Circuite: simple he na bhai, bole to bina sui k 14 injection lagane ka.
------------------------------------------
God puchha “kidhar jaane ka maangta?” Swarg ya narak?
Apun bola narak.
Maloom kyon?
Tum saala dost log udharich milega. Bole to jidhar tum, woich apna swarg hoga.
------------------------------------------
Kya mamu apun ki yaad nahi aa reli kyaa?
Kya apun hi tere ko aise jhakas msg bhejta rahenga kya?
Bole to tu bhi ek-do rapchik msg chipka dal!
------------------------------------------
Apun dono ka dosti 1dum jhakz hona mangta hai,
Jhakz bole to,apun hira 2 moti, Apun sabji 2 roti,apun pani 2 tanki,
Apun tarzan 2 monkey.
------------------------------------------
Apun ek sher bolega, Choro Taraf Chand fenkrela hai light, Boleto ho gayeli hai night, Band karne ka tube light, Aur soneka tight, Boleto, Bye Good Night..
Yun ghoor ke kya dekhti hai, Maardalegi kya?
Dil dena hai to de, Rakh ke achaar dalegi kya?
------------------------------
Munna bhai: Circuit ye valentine day kaun sa din hai?
Circuit: Simple bhai aajkal valentine day ‘Kiss Day’ ko kahete hai.
------------------------------------------
Tum apun ko itna sms karta hai..
Apun ko reply karneko majbur karta hai..
Kya iske peeche koi plan hai..
Ya auro ki tarah tum bhi apun ka fan hai..
------------------------------------------
Munna bhai: Abe circuite bata, agar bina dato ka kutta kate to kya karne ka?
Circuite: simple he na bhai, bole to bina sui k 14 injection lagane ka.
------------------------------------------
God puchha “kidhar jaane ka maangta?” Swarg ya narak?
Apun bola narak.
Maloom kyon?
Tum saala dost log udharich milega. Bole to jidhar tum, woich apna swarg hoga.
------------------------------------------
Kya mamu apun ki yaad nahi aa reli kyaa?
Kya apun hi tere ko aise jhakas msg bhejta rahenga kya?
Bole to tu bhi ek-do rapchik msg chipka dal!
------------------------------------------
Apun dono ka dosti 1dum jhakz hona mangta hai,
Jhakz bole to,apun hira 2 moti, Apun sabji 2 roti,apun pani 2 tanki,
Apun tarzan 2 monkey.
------------------------------------------
Apun ek sher bolega, Choro Taraf Chand fenkrela hai light, Boleto ho gayeli hai night, Band karne ka tube light, Aur soneka tight, Boleto, Bye Good Night..
A Big Responsibility
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.
Since she was getting on in years, she thought
she would really like to do so while she was still able.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country,
so she began by going in person to the Passport Office
to obtain her first passport. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please.
" The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies,
domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled
as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself???"
Since she was getting on in years, she thought
she would really like to do so while she was still able.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country,
so she began by going in person to the Passport Office
to obtain her first passport. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please.
" The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies,
domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled
as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself???"
Mini Skirt
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg,she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg,she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
गिफ्ट
एक महिला अपनी कंपनी की तरफ से दो सप्ताह के प्रशिक्षण कार्यक्रम में भाग लेने के लिए लंदन जा रही थी। प्रस्थान वाले दिन उसने अपने पति से पूछा - तुम्हारे लिए लंदन से क्या लाऊं ?
पति ने शरारत भरे अंदाज में कहा - एक अंग्रेज लड़की ले आना !
पत्नी ने कोई जवाब नहीं दिया और चुपचाप चली गई।
दो सप्ताह बाद जब पत्नी लौटकर आई तो पति उसे लेने एयरपोर्ट पहुंचा ।
पति ने पूछा - कैसी रही तुम्हारी यात्रा ?
पत्नी ने जवाब दिया - बहुत अच्छी ।
पति ने फिर शरारत के अंदाज में पूछा - तुम कहकर गईं थीं कि मेरे लिए कुछ लाओगी पर तुम्हारे साथ तो कुछ दिख नहीं रहा ?
पत्नी ने पेट पर हाथ फिराते हुए मुस्कुराकर जवाब दिया - ले आई हूं न! यह अंग्रेज तो है, पर लड़की ही है, यह जानने के लिए कुछ महीने इंतजार करना पड़ेगा .....
पति ने शरारत भरे अंदाज में कहा - एक अंग्रेज लड़की ले आना !
पत्नी ने कोई जवाब नहीं दिया और चुपचाप चली गई।
दो सप्ताह बाद जब पत्नी लौटकर आई तो पति उसे लेने एयरपोर्ट पहुंचा ।
पति ने पूछा - कैसी रही तुम्हारी यात्रा ?
पत्नी ने जवाब दिया - बहुत अच्छी ।
पति ने फिर शरारत के अंदाज में पूछा - तुम कहकर गईं थीं कि मेरे लिए कुछ लाओगी पर तुम्हारे साथ तो कुछ दिख नहीं रहा ?
पत्नी ने पेट पर हाथ फिराते हुए मुस्कुराकर जवाब दिया - ले आई हूं न! यह अंग्रेज तो है, पर लड़की ही है, यह जानने के लिए कुछ महीने इंतजार करना पड़ेगा .....
ईमान दारी
एक चोर एक घर में चोरी करने गया। तिजोरी पर लिखा था - तिजोरी को तोड़ने की जरूरत नहीं है। 123 नंबर लंगाकर सामने वाला लाल बटन दबाओ, तिजोरी खुल जाएगी।
जैसे ही चोर ने बटन दबाया, अलार्म बजने लगा और पुलिस आ गई।
जाते-जाते चोर ने घर के मालिक से कहा - आज मेरा इंसानियत से विश्वास उठ गया
जैसे ही चोर ने बटन दबाया, अलार्म बजने लगा और पुलिस आ गई।
जाते-जाते चोर ने घर के मालिक से कहा - आज मेरा इंसानियत से विश्वास उठ गया
नही है नही है
संता अपने खेतों पर गया हुआ था। वहां कुंए की जगत पर बैठे एक मेंढ़क से उसकी बहस हो गई।
मेंढ़क - तुम्हारे पास दिमाग नहीं है ।
संता - है ।
मेंढ़क - नहीं है ।
संता - है ।
मेंढ़क - नहीं है, नहीं है, नहीं है ..... और इतना कहकर मेंढ़क कुंए में कूद गया ।
संता - अरे नहीं है तो नहीं है पर इसमें खुदकुशी करने वाली क्या बात थी ......
मेंढ़क - तुम्हारे पास दिमाग नहीं है ।
संता - है ।
मेंढ़क - नहीं है ।
संता - है ।
मेंढ़क - नहीं है, नहीं है, नहीं है ..... और इतना कहकर मेंढ़क कुंए में कूद गया ।
संता - अरे नहीं है तो नहीं है पर इसमें खुदकुशी करने वाली क्या बात थी ......
ब्रेक ठीक करुगा
एक अंधेरी रात में‚ एक छोटे शहर के बाहर स्थानीय रासायनिक संयंत्र में आग लग गयी। बहुत जल्दी आग चारों तरफ फैल गयी और दूर दूर के अग्निशामक विभागों में खतरे की घंटी बजने लगी।एक घंटे तक आग से जूझने के बाद कम्पनी का अध्यक्ष अग्नि दल प्रमुख के पास पहुंचा और उससे कहा‚"हमारे सभी गुप्त फार्मूले संयंत्र के बीच में एक वॉल्ट में बंद हैं। उन्हें बचाना ही है। मैं 50000 रू . दूंगा‚ उस इंजिन कंपनी को जो उसे बचा कर लाएगी।"
जैसे ही अग्निदल प्रमुख ने यह सुना उसने सभी व्यक्तियों को बचाव कार्य में और तेजी लाने का आदेश दिया। दो घंटे बीत जाने के बाद संयंत्र के अध्यक्ष ने राशि बढ़ाकर 1 लाख कर दी। तभी दूर एक लंबा सायरन सुनायी दिया और एक और अग्निशामक ट्रक नजर में आया। यह एक स्थानीय अग्निशामक दल था‚ जिसमें सभी व्यक्ति 65 साल से अधिक उम्र के थे।
सब को हैरत में डालते हुए वो छोटा सा दल सीधे संयंत्र के अन्दर घुस गया और ठीक बीच में पहुंच गया। दूर से बाकी लोगों ने देखा कि उन वृद्ध व्यक्तियों ने अपने उपकरण निकाले और आग बुझाने के प्रयास में इस तेजी और फुर्ती से जुट गये जैसा कि उन्होंने आज तक नहीं देखा था।
एक घण्टे की जबरदस्त मेहनत के बाद उन स्वयंसेवकों ने आग पर काबू पा लिया और गुप्त फार्मूलों को बचाने में सफल हो गये। खुश होकर संयंत्र अध्यक्ष ने घोषणा की कि उसने इनाम की राशि को दुगुना यानी 2 लाख कर दिया है और खुद व्यक्तिगत रूप से उसने हर स्वयंसेवक को धन्यवाद दिया। सभी को धन्यवाद देने के बाद उसने बचाव दल से पूछा कि इस धन से उनका क्या करने का इरादा है।
ट्रक के चालक सीथे उसकी आंखों में झांककर कहा‚"सबसे पहला काम तो इन ब्रेकों को ठीक कराना है।"
जैसे ही अग्निदल प्रमुख ने यह सुना उसने सभी व्यक्तियों को बचाव कार्य में और तेजी लाने का आदेश दिया। दो घंटे बीत जाने के बाद संयंत्र के अध्यक्ष ने राशि बढ़ाकर 1 लाख कर दी। तभी दूर एक लंबा सायरन सुनायी दिया और एक और अग्निशामक ट्रक नजर में आया। यह एक स्थानीय अग्निशामक दल था‚ जिसमें सभी व्यक्ति 65 साल से अधिक उम्र के थे।
सब को हैरत में डालते हुए वो छोटा सा दल सीधे संयंत्र के अन्दर घुस गया और ठीक बीच में पहुंच गया। दूर से बाकी लोगों ने देखा कि उन वृद्ध व्यक्तियों ने अपने उपकरण निकाले और आग बुझाने के प्रयास में इस तेजी और फुर्ती से जुट गये जैसा कि उन्होंने आज तक नहीं देखा था।
एक घण्टे की जबरदस्त मेहनत के बाद उन स्वयंसेवकों ने आग पर काबू पा लिया और गुप्त फार्मूलों को बचाने में सफल हो गये। खुश होकर संयंत्र अध्यक्ष ने घोषणा की कि उसने इनाम की राशि को दुगुना यानी 2 लाख कर दिया है और खुद व्यक्तिगत रूप से उसने हर स्वयंसेवक को धन्यवाद दिया। सभी को धन्यवाद देने के बाद उसने बचाव दल से पूछा कि इस धन से उनका क्या करने का इरादा है।
ट्रक के चालक सीथे उसकी आंखों में झांककर कहा‚"सबसे पहला काम तो इन ब्रेकों को ठीक कराना है।"
पुरूष महिलाओं से क्यों नहीं जीत सकते
अगर आप बहुत काम करते हैं‚ आपके पास उसके लिए समय ही नहीं है।
अगर आप अधिक काम नहीं करते‚ आप किसी काम के नहीं।
अगर वो उबाऊ एक ही तरह के काम वाली नौकरी कर रही है कम वेतन में‚ तो यह शोषण है।
अगर आप इस तरह की नौकरी कर रहे हैं‚ तो आपको यहां से तशरीफ ले जानी चाहिए और कहीं और बेहतर नौकरी ढूंढ़नी चाहिए।
अगर आप की पदोन्निति उससे पहले होती है‚ यह पक्षपात है।
अगर उसे आपसे पहले नौकरी मिलती है‚ तो यह समान अवसर है।
अगर आप रोते हैं‚ आप कमज़ोर हैं।
अगर आप नहीं रोते‚ आप असंवेदनशील हैं।
अगर आप उससे पूछे बिना कोई निर्णय लेते हैं‚ तो आप उसे कोई महत्व नहीं देते
अगर वो कोई निर्णय लेती है आपसे पूछे बिना‚ तो यह नारी की स्वतंत्रता है।
अगर आप अपने बदन का ख्याल रखते हैं‚ आप फालतू हैं
अगर आप नहीं रखते‚ आप ढीले किस्म के आदमी हैं।
अगर आप उसके लिए फूल खरीदते है‚ आप जरूर कुछ चाहते हैं।
अगर आप नहीं खरीदते‚ आप लापरवाह हैं‚उसका ध्यान नहीं रखते।
अगर आप अपनी उपलब्धियों पर गर्व करते है‚ आप अहंवादी हैं।
अगर आप ऐसा नहीं करते‚ आप महत्वाकांक्षी नहीं हैं।
अगर उसे सिरदर्द है‚ वो थक गयी है।
अगर अपके सिर में दर्द है‚ आप उसे अब प्यार नहीं करते और ज़रूर किसी और के साथ चक्कर चला रहे हैं।
अगर आप अधिक काम नहीं करते‚ आप किसी काम के नहीं।
अगर वो उबाऊ एक ही तरह के काम वाली नौकरी कर रही है कम वेतन में‚ तो यह शोषण है।
अगर आप इस तरह की नौकरी कर रहे हैं‚ तो आपको यहां से तशरीफ ले जानी चाहिए और कहीं और बेहतर नौकरी ढूंढ़नी चाहिए।
अगर आप की पदोन्निति उससे पहले होती है‚ यह पक्षपात है।
अगर उसे आपसे पहले नौकरी मिलती है‚ तो यह समान अवसर है।
अगर आप रोते हैं‚ आप कमज़ोर हैं।
अगर आप नहीं रोते‚ आप असंवेदनशील हैं।
अगर आप उससे पूछे बिना कोई निर्णय लेते हैं‚ तो आप उसे कोई महत्व नहीं देते
अगर वो कोई निर्णय लेती है आपसे पूछे बिना‚ तो यह नारी की स्वतंत्रता है।
अगर आप अपने बदन का ख्याल रखते हैं‚ आप फालतू हैं
अगर आप नहीं रखते‚ आप ढीले किस्म के आदमी हैं।
अगर आप उसके लिए फूल खरीदते है‚ आप जरूर कुछ चाहते हैं।
अगर आप नहीं खरीदते‚ आप लापरवाह हैं‚उसका ध्यान नहीं रखते।
अगर आप अपनी उपलब्धियों पर गर्व करते है‚ आप अहंवादी हैं।
अगर आप ऐसा नहीं करते‚ आप महत्वाकांक्षी नहीं हैं।
अगर उसे सिरदर्द है‚ वो थक गयी है।
अगर अपके सिर में दर्द है‚ आप उसे अब प्यार नहीं करते और ज़रूर किसी और के साथ चक्कर चला रहे हैं।
परिभाषाएं (Funny Definitions)
- नेता : वह शख्स जो अपने देश के लिये आपकी जान की कुर्बानी देने के लिये हमेशा तैयार रहता है।
- पड़ोसी : वह महानुभाव जो आपके मामलों को आपसे ज्यादा समझते हैं।
- शादी : यह मालूम करने का तरीका कि आपकी बीबी को कैसा पति पसन्द आता।
- विशेषज्ञ : वह आदमी है जो कम से कम चीजों के बारे में ज्यादा से ज्यादा जानता है।
- ज्ञानी : वह शख्स जिसे प्रभावी ढंग से, सीधी बात को उलझाना आता है।
- सभ्य व्यवहार : मुंह बन्द करके जम्हाई लेना ।
- आमदनी : जिसमें रहा न जा सके और जिसके बगैर भी रहा न जा सके।
- राजनेता : ऐसा आदमी जो धनवान से धन और गरीबों से वोट इस वादे पर बटोरता है कि वह एक की दूसरे से रक्षा करेगा।
- आशावादी : वह शख्स है जो सिगरेट मांगने पहले अपनी दियासलाई जला ले।
- नयी साड़ी : जिसे पहनकर स्त्री को उतना ही नशा हो जितना पुरुष को शराब की एक पूरी बोतल पीकर होता है।
- मनोवैज्ञानिक : वह व्यक्ति, जो किसी खूबसूरत लड़की के कमरे में दाखिल होने पर उस लड़की के सिवाय बाकी सबको गौर से देखता है।
- दूसरी शादी : अनुभव पर आशा की विजय।
- कूटनीतिज्ञ : वह व्यक्ति जो किसी स्त्री का जन्मदिन तो याद रखे पर उसकी उम्र कभी नहीं।
- अनुभव : भूतकाल में की गई गलतियों का दूसरा नाम ।
- अवसरवादी : वह व्यक्ति, जो गलती से नदी में गिर पड़े तो नहाना शुरू कर दे।
- कंजूस : वह व्यक्ति जो जिंदगी भर गरीबी में रहता है ताकि अमीरी में मर सके।
- अपराधी : दुनिया के बाकी लोगों जैसा ही मनुष्य, सिवाय इसके कि वह पकड़ा गया है।
- अधिकारी : वह जो आपके पहुंचने के पहले ऑफिस पहुंच जाता है और यदि कभी आप जल्दी पहुंच जाएं तो काफी देर से आता है।
- व्याख्यान : सूचना को स्थानांतरित करने का एक तरीका जिसमें व्याख्याता की डायरी के नोट्स, विद्यार्थियों की डायरी में बिना किसी के दिमाग से गुजरे पहुंच जाते हैं।
- समझौता : किसी चीज को बांटने का वह तरीका जिसमें हर व्यक्ति यह समझता है कि उसे बड़ा हिस्सा मिला।
- प्रश्न - कुत्ते शादी क्यों नहीं करते हैं ?
उत्तर - क्योंकि वे पहले ही कुत्ते की जिंदगी जी रहे होते हैं ....
एक नजर इधर भी (Funny Quotes)
- मित्र से उधार लेने के पहले सोचिये कि आपको किसकी जरूरत ज्यादा है - मित्र की या धन की ?
- मृत्यु आनुवांशिक बीमारी है।
- तन्दुरुस्ती वह चीज है जिससे आपको यह मालूम होता है कि साल का यही बेहतरीन वक्त है।
- कुछ फिल्मी सुन्दरियां मन्दिर में भी धूप का चश्मा पहनकर जाती हैं; उन्हें डर लगा रहता है कि कहीं भगवान उन्हें पहचान कर ऑटोग्राफ न मांग बैठें।
- गरीबी अमीरों लिये एक पहेली है; समझ में नहीं आता कि लोगों को खाना चाहिये तो वे घण्टी क्यों नहीं बजा देते।
- आर्टस्कूल वह जगह है जहां लड़कियां हाईस्कूल और शादी के बीच का वक्त गुजारती हैं।
- अनुभव हमारे ज्ञान को बढ़ा देता है लेकिन हमारी बेवकूफियों को कम नहीं करता।
- खुदा बेवकूफों को महफूज रखे, उन्हें खत्म न हो जाने दे; क्योंकि अगर वो न रहे तो समझदारों की रोजी मुश्किल हो जायेगी।
- अपनी आमदनी के अन्दर खर्च करो चाहे इसके लिये तुम्हें कर्ज ही क्यों न लेना पड़े।
- नाश्ते से पहले कुछ काम न करो; अगर नाश्ते से पहले कुछ करना ही पड़े, तो पहले नाश्ता करो।
- गरीबों को याद रखो, इसमें कुछ खर्चा नहीं होता।
- कई बीवियां रखने में एक फायदा है; वे अपने पति से लड़ने की बजाय आपस में ही लड़ती रहती हैं।
- खूबसूरत औरत आंखों के लिये स्वर्ग है, आत्मा के लिये नरक है, और जेब के लिये दिवाला है।
- आदमी की आधी जिंदगी उसके माता-पिता बिगाड़ देते हैं, बाकी आधी उसके बच्चे।
- बाबा आदम के जमाने से ही बेवकूफ बहुमत में रहते आये हैं।
- हर औरत को शादी करनी चाहिये- पर मर्द को हरगिज नहीं।
- दुनिया में तीन चीजें हैं जिन्हें औरतें नहीं समझतीं - आजादी, बराबरी और भाईचारा।
- मानवजाति का अन्त यह होगा कि आखिर एक रोज वह सभ्यता से घुट मरेगी।
- अगर बुरे लोग न होते, तो अच्छे वकील न मिलते।
- कुछ लोगों को खुश करने का एक ही तरीका है - आप फिसल कर गिर पड़ें।
- दुनिया में शायद ही कोई ऐसी सक्षम लड़की हो जो अपने को घर का काम करने में समर्थ समझती हो।
- सच्चा प्रेम भूत की तरह है - चर्चा उसकी सब करते हैं, देखा किसी ने नहीं।
- अगर ईश्वर न भी हो तो उसका आविष्कार कर लेना जरूरी है।
- कायर के एक लिये एक साहसिक कार्य खुला हुआ है और वह है - शादी।
- किसी ऐसे काम को कभी कल पर नहीं टालना चाहिये, जिसे आप परसों कर सकें।
- दुनिया में दो ही ट्रेजडी हैं : एक आप इच्छित वस्तु को पा न सकें; दूसरी उसे पा जायें।
- पत्ते अच्छे हों तो आदमी ईमानदारी से खेलना पसंद करता है।
- आदमी जवानी में सोचता है कि पैसा सबसे अहम चीज है और बुढ़ापे में यह हकीकत उस पर खुल जाती है।
- अगर आप किसी बार बार आने वाले दुष्ट से पिण्ड छुड़ाना चाहते हैं तो उसे कुछ पैसा उधार दे दीजिये।
- मां को अपने बेटे को आदमी बनाने में बीस बरस लगते हैं और एक अन्य महिला उसे बीस मिनिट में बेवकूफ बना देती है।
- काम दुनिया में सबसे बड़ी चीज है, इसलिये हमें चाहिये कि हमेशा कल के लिये भी रहने दिया करें।
- सयानी स्त्री, पुरुष से जो भी कुछ कहती है उसमें एक डली शकर मिला देती है और पुरुष जो कुछ कहता है उसे एक डली नमक के साथ ग्रहण करती है।
- महिलाओं के लिए राय : पुरुष के साथ खुश रहने के लिए उसे प्यार चाहे कम करें, समझने की कोशिश ज्यादा करें।
- पुरुषों के लिए राय : महिला के साथ खुश रहने के लिए उसे बेशुमार प्यार करें और समझने की कोशिश कतई न करें।
- जिंदगी 40 के पार शुरू होती है - गठिया वात, नजर की कमजोरी, याददाश्त कम होना आदि भी 40 के पार ही शुरू होते हैं।
- यदि आप पहली बार में सफल न हों, तो अपनी असफलता के सारे चिन्ह मिटा दें।
- यदि आप किसी को समझा नहीं पा रहे हैं, तो उसे उलझा दें।
- चूंकि प्रकाश की गति ध्वनि से तेज होती है इसलिए लोग तब तक अधिक सुन्दर प्रतीत होते हैं जब तक कि आप उन्हें बोलता हुआ न सुन लें।
- प्रत्येक व्यक्ति की जरूरत होती है और कोई व्यक्ति अनिवार्य नहीं होता।
- महिलाएं हमेशा पुरुषों के भूलने की आदत से परेशान रहती हैं, जबकि पुरुष महिलाओं की याद रखने की आदत से पीड़ित ।
- अगर संगत से ही तमाम खूबियां आ जातीं तो गन्ने में उगने वाले पौधों में रस क्यों नहीं होता ?
- महिलाओं के दिल में एक खास कोना होता है, जिसे वे कभी किसी के साथ नहीं बांटतीं।
- जिसे मृत्यु कहते हैं, वह चीज है जिस पर लोग रोते हैं, फिर भी एक तिहाई जीवन सोने में गुजार दिया जाता है।
- पुरुषों के लिए जो बात निश्चित नहीं होती, महिलाएं उस पर तटस्थ रहती हैं।
- अपने शत्रुओं की गलतियों को क्षमा करके देखो ........ यह बात उन्हें ज्यादा तकलीफ पहुंचाएगी।
- यदि प्र्रत्येक चीज आपके रास्ते में आ रही हो तो समझ लीजिए कि आप गलत रास्ते पर जा रहे हैं।
- इंसान को दिमाग खुला रखना चाहिये, पर इतना भी नहीं कि भेजा निकल कर बाहर ही गिर पड़े।
- नौकरी दो चीजों के लिए की जाती है - तनख्वाह और छुट्टियां
- शादी विवेक पर कल्पना की विजय है।
- पैसा सारी बुराइयों की जड़ है...... और इंसान को जड़ों की जरूरत हमेशा बनी रहती है।
- प्रत्येक दिन को अपना अंतिम दिन मानकर चलो ..... एक दिन तुम सही साबित हो जाओगे ।
- एक आशावादी सोचता है कि गिलास आधा भरा है, निराशावादी का विचार होता है कि गिलास आधा खाली है, पर एक यथार्थवादी जानता है कि वह आसपास बना रहा तो अंतत: गिलास उसे ही धोना पड़ेगा।
- जो सरकारी नहीं होता वही तो असरकारी होता है।
- दो प्रकार के पुरुष स्त्रियों को नही समझते - विवाहित और कुंवारे ।
- हर बच्चे का शिक्षण उसके पैदा होने के सौ बरस पहले शुरू हो जाना चाहिए।
- कुछ लोगों के पास सिवाय अनुभव के कुछ नहीं होता।
- बहुत से लोगों के पास चरित्र होता है, और कुछ नहीं होता।
- खुशी मुसीबत से भी बड़ी मुसीबत है।
- मौत की तरह शादी की भी कोई चिन्ता मत करो।
- शादी जवानी की एक भूल है - जो कि हम सबको करनी चाहिए।
- स्त्री प्रथम चुम्बन को याद रखती है जबकि पुरुष अन्तिम को भी भूल चुका होता है।
- बातचीत की कला का महान रहस्य है - खामोशी।
- तमाम धर्म यौनिक सवालों की दीवानावार परिक्रमा कर रहे हैं।
- व्याकरण की तरह जीवन में भी यह होता है कि - अपवादों की संख्या नियमों से भी बढ़ जाती है।
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