A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "
Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy , " whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
" ME ."..........
Neat and Clean Dirty Jokes-2
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home.
As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father. "
Go ahead, Sonny.
Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said,
"I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.
------------------------------------------
A Quality Engineer married an average girl. After 24 months of tough life with her,
Finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law Stating that:
YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE."
------------------------------------------
Think Positive :
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you dirty brain
------------------------------------------
During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly:
Do you love me, do you really loveme?
Irritated Santa: What the helldo you think, I am doing pushups
------------------------------------------
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH
------------------------------------------
She took off his pants and whispered: Make me feel like a woman.
He smiled, threw the pants at her and said: Go, wash them!
------------------------------------------
*Sex is.......:
*"Duty", if done with your Wife
*"Art", if done with your Lover
*"Education", if done with a Virgin
*"Business", if done with a Prostitute
*"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee
*"Charity", if done with a Widow &
*"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home.
As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father. "
Go ahead, Sonny.
Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said,
"I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.
------------------------------------------
A Quality Engineer married an average girl. After 24 months of tough life with her,
Finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law Stating that:
YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE."
------------------------------------------
Think Positive :
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you dirty brain
------------------------------------------
During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly:
Do you love me, do you really loveme?
Irritated Santa: What the helldo you think, I am doing pushups
------------------------------------------
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH
------------------------------------------
She took off his pants and whispered: Make me feel like a woman.
He smiled, threw the pants at her and said: Go, wash them!
------------------------------------------
*Sex is.......:
*"Duty", if done with your Wife
*"Art", if done with your Lover
*"Education", if done with a Virgin
*"Business", if done with a Prostitute
*"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee
*"Charity", if done with a Widow &
*"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand
Don't Mess With Technology
Don't Mess With Technology
One Day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a Doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind Of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic Computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small Jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 Seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have Tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will Improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer Could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool Sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and Daughter, and a sperm Sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, Pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The Computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water Softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your Daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your Wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get better!
Moral--------Don't mess with the Technology.
One Day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a Doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind Of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic Computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small Jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 Seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have Tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will Improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer Could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool Sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and Daughter, and a sperm Sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, Pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The Computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water Softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your Daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your Wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get better!
Moral--------Don't mess with the Technology.
A Marriage Response from India (Hilarious)
THIS IS REAL FUNNY ACTUAL LETTER TAKEN FROM THE TIMES OF INDIA ..
RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT!
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL IN PUNJABI ENGLISH (DON'T LAUGH; DEAD SERIOUS)
Madam :
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab .. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday... That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day... fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab
RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT!
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL IN PUNJABI ENGLISH (DON'T LAUGH; DEAD SERIOUS)
Madam :
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab .. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday... That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day... fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab
Pathan Doesn't Pay
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next..
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."
Moral: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next..
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."
Moral: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.
Secret Coded Message
George Bush
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is still
alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it c ontained a single line of coded
message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could
solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6 in London.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.
Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is still
alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it c ontained a single line of coded
message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could
solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6 in London.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.
Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.
Human Equations (Really Funny)
Equations - at it's best
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.
** Equation 2 **
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey
** Equation 3 **
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey
To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!
PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.
** Equation 2 **
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey
** Equation 3 **
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey
To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!
PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....
Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you re right, but he just hasn t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Urgent vacancy for the post of Girl Friend
Urgent vacancy for the post of Girl Friend
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.
Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.
Age : 18-26 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.
Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
? 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)
? bike rides each duration 1 hour
? trips to National Highways
? 5 Trips to Hanuman Mandir / Isckon Temple
? Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
? Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
? 2 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)
? Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every Weekend (On your own expense)
A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.
Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining the probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)
Plz NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.
There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc.
Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search,,,,,, , never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with
Subject:
Name/fresher- exp/age.
Photo must be in attachment. To the email address via mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected
Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are mentioned below.
Designation : Junior girl friend (trainee)
Experience : Must have ditched at least 2 guys (Fresher with excellent credentials will be considered)
Other requirement : Should have the Potential to do street bargaining and fight if required.
Age : 18-26 (if the individual is too good looking but not in the age group can also apply, special consideration will undertaken for them)
Height, weight, complexions no bar, but is subjective.
Perks and incentives:
Total gross ( Monthly ) :
? 2 gifts worth not exceeding Rs. 1000/-(no precious metals, stones)
? bike rides each duration 1 hour
? trips to National Highways
? 5 Trips to Hanuman Mandir / Isckon Temple
? Kulfis / Chocobars at a regular gap of 3 days
? Daily Provision of Samosa/Bread Pakoda/Bhel worth Rs. 10 /-
? 2 movies (Family movies only) per month (on weekends)
? Visits to Shopping Malls and BARISTA every Weekend (On your own expense)
A Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to demand will be gifted, subject to finance availability and to the size available with the shopkeeper.
Net Deductions (Monthly): Affair Fund and un-professional taxes will be informed on joining the probation period is 6 months, after which confirmation (with Promotion to fulltime Girlfriend)
Plz NOTE:
1. Only females.
2. Girls who left in the last 2 months need not apply.
3. Ex-girlfriends will be eligible only if they agree to the above mentioned conditions.
There is more:
For girls who are not eligible, can take advantage of the referral. Program by referring their friend, colleagues etc.
Candle light or Tube light dinner will be given on every referral, even if candidate is not selected.
Search,,,,,, , never ends!!
Interested candidates can send their resume with
Subject:
Name/fresher- exp/age.
Photo must be in attachment. To the email address via mail
Note: Applications without photo will be rejected
Indians Vs. Americans
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all
the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.
The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all
the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.
The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!
Making a Baby (Hilarious)
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I ha d to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I ha d to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Six or Seven?
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've fuckin already got one at home..
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've fuckin already got one at home..
Skin Transplant Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Smartest Female Ever
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!
Smartest Female Ever
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!
Click Here for More Hilarious Jokes
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!
Click Here for More Hilarious Jokes
Worst day of life
Worst day of life
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they couldn't do anything.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they couldn't do anything.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
A Happy Married Life
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!
************ ******
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
************ ******
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
The Wrong Thing
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entirelength looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a welldressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the littledog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrongside of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the littledog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrongside of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
When Indians Take Foreigners' Abroad
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'
'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '
Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)
The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.'
'Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! '
Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".(recession)
Do Men Remember Anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
A Woman's Week at the Gym
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Is My Time Up?
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
The Bragging Catholics
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, silver blonde, green eyes and 38-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, ......."OH MY GOD !!!"
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When
he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, silver blonde, green eyes and 38-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, ......."OH MY GOD !!!"
Does Management know their Staff?
On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
How Many Childrens Do you have
The God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time on earth.
He replied, "I had three!" God was very Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted,
God gave Shastri a Mercedes!
Subhash Chandra Bose was asked the same question.
When he replied that he had 10 children, God was a bit upset and gave
him a cheaper car, the Ford.
The next is Jawaharlal. He decided to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.
After Sometime, the three saw Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot.
They ask why God hadn't given him anything.Gandhiji replied with anger,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Some idiot told God that I was the father of the nation!"
He replied, "I had three!" God was very Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted,
God gave Shastri a Mercedes!
Subhash Chandra Bose was asked the same question.
When he replied that he had 10 children, God was a bit upset and gave
him a cheaper car, the Ford.
The next is Jawaharlal. He decided to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.
After Sometime, the three saw Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot.
They ask why God hadn't given him anything.Gandhiji replied with anger,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Some idiot told God that I was the father of the nation!"
Best Divorce Letter!!!
Dear Hubby,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. But, these last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!
Your Ex-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
--
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work). I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!
P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. But, these last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!
Your Ex-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
--
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work). I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!
P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!
Stickly Speaking Dynamite Speech
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :
"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.
Joy Hind!"
"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished.
Joy Hind!"
How President George got Bushed
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did wa swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!
Sex With Older Men (16+)
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'
Vegetarian Chicken
Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Sardar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Sardar's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato"
After all,
--Singh is King--
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Sardar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Sardar's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato"
After all,
--Singh is King--
Short & Sweet
If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery
from the clock and Enjoy life!
Expecting the world to treat u fairly
coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack
u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.
Every lady hopes
that her daughter will marry a
etter man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never
find a wife as good as his father did!!!
He was a good man. He never smoked,
drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance
company refused the claim.
They said, he who never
lived, cannot die!
A man threw his wife in
a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the
Animal Rights Activists for being
cruel to the Crocodiles!
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building,
lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
Only 20 percent boys have brains,
rest have girlfriends!
All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive
or married to someone else!
Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di??? (which one you choose?)
10% of road accidents are
due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical
statement that
90% of accidents are due to
driving without drinking!
Just remove the damn battery
from the clock and Enjoy life!
Expecting the world to treat u fairly
coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack
u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.
Every lady hopes
that her daughter will marry a
etter man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never
find a wife as good as his father did!!!
He was a good man. He never smoked,
drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance
company refused the claim.
They said, he who never
lived, cannot die!
A man threw his wife in
a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the
Animal Rights Activists for being
cruel to the Crocodiles!
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building,
lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
Only 20 percent boys have brains,
rest have girlfriends!
All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive
or married to someone else!
Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di??? (which one you choose?)
10% of road accidents are
due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical
statement that
90% of accidents are due to
driving without drinking!
A Short Story About our Passwords
Ramya was about to leave office after finishing her work. She got a call from her husband Karthi,
RAMYA(R): "Hello, yes Karthi".
KARTHI(K): "Ramya, can you open my gmail and get a print out of the mail from that USconsultant I forgot to take it in my office"
(R): "Yes, I can, I need your password"
(K): "jeni22091980"
(R): "Ok fine"
She takes the print out and logs out. Some thought struck her mind now.
JENI happens to be his college mate. Hmmm...
She decides not to discuss this with Karthi. She simply opens her mail box and changes the password from "mohan143" to "karthiramya" and leaves for home!
MORAL OF THE STORY: Change your password! NOW!
RAMYA(R): "Hello, yes Karthi".
KARTHI(K): "Ramya, can you open my gmail and get a print out of the mail from that USconsultant I forgot to take it in my office"
(R): "Yes, I can, I need your password"
(K): "jeni22091980"
(R): "Ok fine"
She takes the print out and logs out. Some thought struck her mind now.
JENI happens to be his college mate. Hmmm...
She decides not to discuss this with Karthi. She simply opens her mail box and changes the password from "mohan143" to "karthiramya" and leaves for home!
MORAL OF THE STORY: Change your password! NOW!
Be sure we're talking about Banta Singh when he...
• puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
Men Will be Men, Come what May
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
An Overjoyed Blonde
I don't usually like blonde jokes but this one had me laughing! Star if you like it!
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more', I asked 'What do you mean there's more?' She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
Question: Why do men spend more time on the computer.....
Answer: Beacause of the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn't laugh at a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more', I asked 'What do you mean there's more?' She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
Question: Why do men spend more time on the computer.....
Answer: Beacause of the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn't laugh at a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Best Dirty Clean Joke (18+ Only)
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be a ble to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be a ble to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Height of Communication GAP
Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?" "Yes...... speaking"
Electricity Guy: "Ma'am, I'm calling from the electricity department and You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?" "Yes...... speaking"
Electricity Guy: "Ma'am, I'm calling from the electricity department and You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The Guardian Angel
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Sardar Jokes by a Proud Sardar (Just for Fun)
ardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
* * * * * *
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
* * * * * *
We Idiots from Management
Saari umr hum
Reports main jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do Jeene do !!!
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Kandhon ko MIS
Ke bojh ne jhukaya
jhoot bolna tho khud
manager ne sikhaya
Target complete to chhuti, varna kismat futi
Likh likh kar pada hatheli par
TGT, ACH & DRR ka chaala
Finance Team ne poora..
Poora bheja pakka daala
career to gaya
GF bhi gayi
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do Jeene do
Saari umr hum
Reports main jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein Jeene do
Jeene do
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Reports main jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do Jeene do !!!
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Kandhon ko MIS
Ke bojh ne jhukaya
jhoot bolna tho khud
manager ne sikhaya
Target complete to chhuti, varna kismat futi
Likh likh kar pada hatheli par
TGT, ACH & DRR ka chaala
Finance Team ne poora..
Poora bheja pakka daala
career to gaya
GF bhi gayi
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do Jeene do
Saari umr hum
Reports main jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein Jeene do
Jeene do
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Give me some Leave
Give me some train
Give me another chance
I wanna go home once again
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Na na na..Na na na..Na na na..Na na nana na..
Secret of a Happy Married Life (Hilarious)
Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
He asked, "Can you explain?"
I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"
I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
He asked, "Then what is your role?"
I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, etc etc and Do you know one thing, My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"
I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
He asked, "Can you explain?"
I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"
I said, "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
He asked, "Then what is your role?"
I said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, etc etc and Do you know one thing, My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions"
Survey Conducted by UN
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".
The survey was a huge failure..... ... Do you know WHY?
** In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
* And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".
The survey was a huge failure..... ... Do you know WHY?
** In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
* And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
What Men Really Mean
It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!
5 Star Hotel
Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel...
Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.
Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White
Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.
Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.
Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.
Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.
Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.
Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.
Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.
Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.
Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.
Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White
Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.
Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.
Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.
Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.
Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.
Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.
Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.
Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.
Very Official Love Letter
To
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M
Sub: Offer of love!
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)
A Lawyer in Heaven?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer up there in heaven?"
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer up there in heaven?"
Idiots Award For the Year 2009
Number One Idiot, so far in 2009
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot so far in 2009
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2009
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising fromhis spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland . Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2009
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believehim. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot so far in 2009
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..' Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot so far in 2009
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot so far in 2009
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising fromhis spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland . Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot so far in 2009
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believehim. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot so far in 2009
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..' Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
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