An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching tv, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "where are you going?" He replied, "to the kitchen." She asked, "will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "sure." She then asked him, "don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "no, i can remember that."
She then said, "well i would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because i know you'll forget that." He said, "i can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "well i also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "i told you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Hilarious Jokes
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, andvalues.Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of myIntelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine"
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Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said,"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week""That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now andthen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don'tlike the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and reallygood with the kids.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied."A golf gun? What is a golf gun?""I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blondewearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped thehorn by mistake.She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that byaccident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of myIntelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,cause I still have mine"
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Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce CourtJudge said,"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week""That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now andthen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don'tlike the looks of your wife at all,""Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and reallygood with the kids.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied."A golf gun? What is a golf gun?""I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blondewearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped thehorn by mistake.She turned and looked at him for an explanation He said, "I did that byaccident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"
Kids Jokes
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
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Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
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Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
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Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
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Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
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Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
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Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
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Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
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Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
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Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
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Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
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Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
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Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
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Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Strict Punishment
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week.
" The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week.
" The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
World's Greatest Magician
Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting abouttheir achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from theaudience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives startedpanicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air showsI made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searchingfor it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Parisand made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on theTV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenlyturned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towardsthe door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Heywhat happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician,he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mereamateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju.He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheetin front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from theaudience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives startedpanicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air showsI made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searchingfor it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Parisand made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on theTV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenlyturned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towardsthe door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Heywhat happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician,he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mereamateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju.He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheetin front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "
North Indian Wife Vs. South Indian Wife
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number
of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town. 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number
of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town. 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself. 9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.
Few More Jokes to Tickle You
1. Losing all your friends Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management? Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
2. Brother wanted A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
3. Meaning of WIFE Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
6. Anger management? Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
Pakistani Innocence and Indian Brains
An Indian goes to America and was searching for a part-time Job there. He goes and meets the Manager of a Big Mall.
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?" Indian boy says: "$101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind." The boss said: Who is he? Indian boy says: He was an Innocent Pathan from Karachi.
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?" Indian boy says: "$101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind." The boss said: Who is he? Indian boy says: He was an Innocent Pathan from Karachi.
The Great Gambler
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher Urmela, an Indian lady to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. Urmela said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called Urmela to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me Rs.500 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.” “DAMN!” said the father. “What’s wrong?”, the Indian teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me Rs.1000 that he would see Urmela's butt before the day was over!”
Pay Attention
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger into the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger into the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Jokes to Make you Laugh
A Little Guy
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
The Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No like Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !' 'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no like Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic.' 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
Try to have fun
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Insects
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it. "Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. “This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.” When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
The Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No like Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !' 'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no like Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic.' 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
Try to have fun
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Insects
A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it. "Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
Some More Jokes for You (Hindi & English)
Q: Why do women live longer than men?A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
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Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished
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There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.YOU can kiss your Girlfrd is confidence.ONLY YOU can kiss ur Girlfrd is over confidence
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Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banayato aadmi ne hai par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta?Papu: LADIES TOILET!
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Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle.Policeman gives hand to stop.Santa shouted: Oye pagal,pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?
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Bhikari-sahab ek rupiya de do. Sahab-tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte. Bhikari-abe tereek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?
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Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed, but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS
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Excuse...me what is ur sms account no ? i want to check...some error is there...kyon ki sms jata to hai par aata nahi hai....
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Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished
...................................................
There is a small gap between confidence & over confidence.YOU can kiss your Girlfrd is confidence.ONLY YOU can kiss ur Girlfrd is over confidence
.............................................
Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banayato aadmi ne hai par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta?Papu: LADIES TOILET!
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Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle.Policeman gives hand to stop.Santa shouted: Oye pagal,pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?
.............................................
Bhikari-sahab ek rupiya de do. Sahab-tumhe sharam nahi aati road par khade hokar bhikh mangte. Bhikari-abe tereek rupiye ke liye office kholu kya?
..........................................
Guy.-Do u know,wen i was a kid so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed, but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS
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Excuse...me what is ur sms account no ? i want to check...some error is there...kyon ki sms jata to hai par aata nahi hai....
Some Brilliant Jokes (Hindi & English)
Before & After Marriege:
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you? After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don?t come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Sardar to his Wife:
Sardar:Begum aaj chicken bohut maze ki bani hai kia koi khaas masala lagaya hai ? Sardarni:Nahi bus zara murghi jal gai thi wo main ne BURNOL laga di thi.
Sardar to Wife:
A sardar had a child after 3 month of marriage. He asked his wife ye 3 month k bad bacha kaise howa? Wife replied:tumhari shadi ko kitna arsa hua? sardar:3 months. Wife: or meri shadi ko ? Sardar: 3 months Wife: or bacha kitne month k baad? Sardar:3 month. Wife: total kitne hue? Sardar: oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle;->
Whats a grownUp joke?
A sardarji?s boy asked his dad: What is a grownup joke? Sardar ji replied: any joke which is eighteen years old
2 men went to a Callgirl:
2 men went 2 a callgirl. 1st went in and came out n said ?Na my wife is better.? 2nd went in and came out n said ?U R right ur wife is much better.? If Dentist start making movies:
If dentists make films,?
the names will be - *Daant ho na ho *Jaanam brush karo *Aa ab clean karen *Kabhi teeth kabhi gum *Humara daant aapke paas hai!
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you? After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don?t come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Sardar to his Wife:
Sardar:Begum aaj chicken bohut maze ki bani hai kia koi khaas masala lagaya hai ? Sardarni:Nahi bus zara murghi jal gai thi wo main ne BURNOL laga di thi.
Sardar to Wife:
A sardar had a child after 3 month of marriage. He asked his wife ye 3 month k bad bacha kaise howa? Wife replied:tumhari shadi ko kitna arsa hua? sardar:3 months. Wife: or meri shadi ko ? Sardar: 3 months Wife: or bacha kitne month k baad? Sardar:3 month. Wife: total kitne hue? Sardar: oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle;->
Whats a grownUp joke?
A sardarji?s boy asked his dad: What is a grownup joke? Sardar ji replied: any joke which is eighteen years old
2 men went to a Callgirl:
2 men went 2 a callgirl. 1st went in and came out n said ?Na my wife is better.? 2nd went in and came out n said ?U R right ur wife is much better.? If Dentist start making movies:
If dentists make films,?
the names will be - *Daant ho na ho *Jaanam brush karo *Aa ab clean karen *Kabhi teeth kabhi gum *Humara daant aapke paas hai!
Tennis Elbow
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. ------------------------------------------------------Kids Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. ------------------------------------------------------Testify in Court
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
The Benefits of Marriage
On their 35th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and many great other qualities that you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." A man finally got to the front of the line at the airline ticket counter only to notice someone had hung mistletoe over the baggage scale. He asked the cute clerk, "Is that so you can kiss all us customers?" She replied, "No. It's so you can kiss your suitcase goodbye!"
When a Train goes to a Field
Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail tracks.Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. At the next railway station the driver was arrested He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc. The authorities questioned : Mr. Singh are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over.Sardar said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close.
Santa and Banta's Medical Terminology
Have you heard of our Santa and Banta applying to a medical school to become a doctor? Needless to say he never made it. You know why? These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Cesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess
Diana.Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.Pacemaker - winner of
Nobel peace prize.Proteins - in favor of teens.Pulse - grain.Pus - small cat.Red blood count - Dracula.Secretion - hiding anything.Tablet - small table.Ultrasound - radical noise.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Cesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess
Diana.Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.Pacemaker - winner of
Nobel peace prize.Proteins - in favor of teens.Pulse - grain.Pus - small cat.Red blood count - Dracula.Secretion - hiding anything.Tablet - small table.Ultrasound - radical noise.
In reply of all sardar jokes
ts true..
We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the most hard working prosperous and diversified communities in the world. My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking. During last vacation, my few friends went to Delhi . They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man. But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed. At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, ''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.' My friend continued,* ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging anywhere.' MORAL :The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry,............ but he will never beg on the streets.
We all love Sardar jokes. But do you know that Sikhs are one of the most hard working prosperous and diversified communities in the world. My friend told me about the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking. During last vacation, my few friends went to Delhi . They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar and boys being boys, these pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to tease the old man. But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed. At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid the cab hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change, but he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, ''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have one request. I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this or any other city.' My friend continued,* ' That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging anywhere.' MORAL :The secret behind their universal success, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication and pride. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, put a fruit juice stall, take up small time carpentry,............ but he will never beg on the streets.
the fojish PAKIES
Three guys, a Pak, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie. The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming. The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan. The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state.Nothing can get in or out." The Indian says, "My wish is that you fill it up with water."
==================================================== Banta was in the army.During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !" Then Banta would shoot him down. This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly! Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc. Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you." Banta shoots him down!
==================================================== Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak). In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me." The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."
==================================================== God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance." One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains.A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!
==================================================== You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler, and a Pakistani. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Pakistani twice to make sure he's dead.
What's brown and black and looks great on a Pakistani?A Doberman. How can you tell when a Pakistani is lying?His lips are moving. What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?Not enough sand. Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Pakistanis?He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
====================================================
==================================================== Banta was in the army.During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !" Then Banta would shoot him down. This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly! Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc. Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you." Banta shoots him down!
==================================================== Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak). In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me." The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."
==================================================== God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance." One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?" God said "Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains.A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was quite surprised "But God you said everything should be in balance." God replied "Look at the neighbors I gave them" !!
==================================================== You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler, and a Pakistani. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Pakistani twice to make sure he's dead.
What's brown and black and looks great on a Pakistani?A Doberman. How can you tell when a Pakistani is lying?His lips are moving. What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand?Not enough sand. Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Pakistanis?He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
====================================================
Ugly Kid
A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
Weeping little boy
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?" "It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!" "That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!' "Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."
Fairy Tales begin with
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
Pearl Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Heaven Questions
This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.
guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
Weeping little boy
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?" "It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!" "That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!' "Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."
Fairy Tales begin with
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
Pearl Necklace
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Heaven Questions
This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.
guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."
guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."
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