Serious Family Problems
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..
Married Conversations
A MAD GUY SHARING WITH HIS FRIEND. My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Mumbai, mine is in Chennai.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!
Women are Impossible
A store that sells husbands has just opened in a city, where a woman goes to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exitthe building, and have a nice day!.
The second floor sign reads:Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exitthe building, and have a nice day!.
Why only Indians are Re-Born...
Why only Indians are Re-born?
Mystery solved!
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said `I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They`re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW`s instead of the chariots, and they`re selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!` The Lord said, `Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.` Satan answered the phone, `Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.` Satan returned to the phone, `OK I`m back. What can I do for you?` Gabriel replied, `I just wanted to know what kind of problems you`re having down there.` Satan says, `Hold on again. I need to check on something.` After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, `I`m back. Now what was the question?` Gabriel said, `What kind of problems are you having down there?` Satan says, `Man I don`t believe this .. Hold on.` This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I`m sorry Gabriel, I can`t talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth". Indians will be Indians.. So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!
Mystery solved!
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said `I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They`re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW`s instead of the chariots, and they`re selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!` The Lord said, `Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.` Satan answered the phone, `Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.` Satan returned to the phone, `OK I`m back. What can I do for you?` Gabriel replied, `I just wanted to know what kind of problems you`re having down there.` Satan says, `Hold on again. I need to check on something.` After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, `I`m back. Now what was the question?` Gabriel said, `What kind of problems are you having down there?` Satan says, `Man I don`t believe this .. Hold on.` This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I`m sorry Gabriel, I can`t talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth". Indians will be Indians.. So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!
Top 10 Reasons TV is better than WWW.............
The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
1) It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2) When was the last time you tuned in to "MTV" and got a "Error 404" message?
3) There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
4) The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5) A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6) Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
7) Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8) You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
9) Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
10) You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
1) It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
2) When was the last time you tuned in to "MTV" and got a "Error 404" message?
3) There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
4) The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
5) A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
6) Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
7) Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
8) You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
9) Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
10) You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Dog Logic
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than heloves himself. - Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. - Anonymous Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise- Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
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Misunderstanding....CAUSED BY LADIES...
Misunderstanding....CAUSED BY LADIES...for themselves..
7 crawl into a hole Situations! Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling) I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided torelease some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
7 crawl into a hole Situations! Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in town and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? (She meant blowing her hair for Styling) I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. ! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided torelease some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank! with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door clos ed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Not so bad. Huh?
Not so bad Afterall?
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied at night, earned an M.B.A. and doon began to climb the corporate ladder. And now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became an executive in the company, where he's now the major stockholder. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday..' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied at M.I.T. and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now worth hundreds of millions. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied at night, earned an M.B.A. and doon began to climb the corporate ladder. And now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became an executive in the company, where he's now the major stockholder. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday..' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied at M.I.T. and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now worth hundreds of millions. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Why Dogs are better than Women
(NO OFFENCE GIRLS/LADIES - JUST A JOKE)
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
What Guys Really Mean
Here's a detailed look on what boys say and what they actually mean about that. Statement: "I'm a Romantic."True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over thehead might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"True Meaning: "I'm insecure about mymanhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over thehead might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"True Meaning: "I'm insecure about mymanhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
One Hole Behind
Gosh. This is so funny!
Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.' She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.' She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.'Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.'I'm in sales.' she said.He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?' She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.He promised. She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'. He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'
Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.' She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.' She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.'Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.'I'm in sales.' she said.He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?' She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.He promised. She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'. He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'
Secret of a Happy Life
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty-four," she replied
Most Intelligent Lawyer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language . The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers?
Brilliant One Liner Jokes
Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
What is the difference between men and pigs?Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We maynever piss this way again." Q: Why dogs don't marry?A: Because they are already leading a dog's life! Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.. Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to6000. So when would you like to start?Santa: In 3 months. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ? Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
What is the difference between men and pigs?Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We maynever piss this way again." Q: Why dogs don't marry?A: Because they are already leading a dog's life! Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.. Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to6000. So when would you like to start?Santa: In 3 months. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ? Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Drive-Thru ATM Procedure - Men Vs. Women
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender. ************ ********* ********* ********* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off. atm
FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth! 1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..6. Attempt to insert card into machine...7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt..16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone..26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too! Remember this! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
FEMALE PROCEDURE: What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth! 1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..6. Attempt to insert card into machine...7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt..16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone..26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake. SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too! Remember this! A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.
Rivalry Between the Sexes Continue
Wife: 'What are you doing?'Husband: Nothing.Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Pregnant Blonde
A blonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the blonde replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
Corporate Lessons (Repeated Joke)
CORPORATE LESSON #1:
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
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CORPORATE LESSON # 2
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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
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CORPORATE LESSON # 3
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The poolAnd shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!........."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
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CORPORATE LESSON # 4
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A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."
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MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!
************************************************
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CORPORATE LESSON # 2
_______________________________
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
_______________________________
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The poolAnd shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!........."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
************************************************
_______________________________
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
_______________________________
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?" "Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."
_______________________________
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.
Sardar Jokes
Sardar & his wife going 2 city in auto.... driver adjusted mirror.. sardarji shouted u r seeing my wife... go & sit back i will drive the auto...======================================= 1 SARDAR PURI LIFE ONLY 1 THING SOCHTE SOCHTE MAR GAYA KI MERE TO 2 BROTHERS HAI PHIR MERI SISTER KE 3 BROTHERS KAISE ======================================= 1 SARDAR INDIAN FLAG LENE SHOP PAR GAYA . FLAG DEKHKAR SARDAR KUCH BOLA JISE SUNKAR SHOPKEEPER PARESHAN HO GAYA .. GUESS WOH KYA BOLA.....
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO ======================================= WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP ======================================= SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA 2ND SARDAR: wo kaise? 1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya. ======================================= Sardar declares: . . . I will never marry in my life &. . . . . . I'll give the same advice to my wife and children also. . . . . ======================================= SARDAR talking on cell. 2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho. 1ST: biwi se..... 2ND: itne... pyar se....? 1ST: tumhari hai. . . ======================================= SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ? 2ND- Gold ring de de 1ST- koi badi cheez bata 2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. . ======================================= A donkey kicked sardar & ran away sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'. ======================================= sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai, friend: acha wo kaise? Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi thi.!! ======================================= Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai.. mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga, sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha.. ======================================= Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with Bipasha. He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon? yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai.. ======================================= Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet. He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated & say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai! ======================================= Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..?? So.. santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti.. ======================================= Santa went to mysore palace. Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!.. ======================================= Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai? Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI. ======================================= Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga. Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey? Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai ======================================= Banta: you cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio! ======================================= What's Ford? Santa: Gaadi. What's Oxford ? Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi. ======================================= Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window? A: He wanted to see butterfly! ======================================= Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe. Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti. Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.
IS MEIN AUR COLOUR DIKHAO ======================================= WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A SARDAR & A DONKEY BOTH MOVES TOWARDS THE ROAD TRANSPORT AS THEY GROWN UP ======================================= SARDAR AAJ MAINE PAANI KO ULLU BANAYA 2ND SARDAR: wo kaise? 1ST SARDAR: aaj maine nahane k liye paani garm kiya aur thande se naha liya. ======================================= Sardar declares: . . . I will never marry in my life &. . . . . . I'll give the same advice to my wife and children also. . . . . ======================================= SARDAR talking on cell. 2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho. 1ST: biwi se..... 2ND: itne... pyar se....? 1ST: tumhari hai. . . ======================================= SARDAR- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ? 2ND- Gold ring de de 1ST- koi badi cheez bata 2ND - M.R.F ka tyre de de. . ======================================= A donkey kicked sardar & ran away sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'. ======================================= sardar: yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai, friend: acha wo kaise? Yar kal me ghar aya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard k sath bethi thi.!! ======================================= Sardar: yaar meri biwi ghar chodkar bhag gai.. mona: tune use pyar se nahi rakha hoga, sardar: nahi yar sagi behan se bhi badkar rakha tha.. ======================================= Yamraj took a sardar on tour to hell. There he saw gandhi dancing with Bipasha. He asked:gandhi de saza ini mazedar kyon? yamraj: saza ta Bipasha nu diti hai.. ======================================= Sardar breaks an egg 2 make an omlet. He finds d egg empty . . . Gets frustrated & say's "iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai! ======================================= Lect: write a note on Gandhi jayanti..?? So.. santa writes "Gandhi was a great man but maa kasam i dont know who is Jayanti.. ======================================= Santa went to mysore palace. Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!.. ======================================= Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai? Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI. ======================================= Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga. Wife: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey? Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai ======================================= Banta: you cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio! ======================================= What's Ford? Santa: Gaadi. What's Oxford ? Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi. ======================================= Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window? A: He wanted to see butterfly! ======================================= Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe. Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti. Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.
Husband Gets Wife Killed by Robbers
man robs a bank and takes hostages, he asks the first hostage "did you see me rob the bank" the hostage says "yes" , all of a sudden the robber shoots the first hostage in the head and kills him.
The robber then asks the second hostage the same question; the hostage says "No way but my wife did".
Moral of the story is: If you want your wife shot take her to a bank where robbers are most likely to go.
The robber then asks the second hostage the same question; the hostage says "No way but my wife did".
Moral of the story is: If you want your wife shot take her to a bank where robbers are most likely to go.
The Man Rulesннн - Finally
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!Please note these are all numbered '1'ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moonOr the changing of the tides.Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball orMotor sports 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -To give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -To give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.
Jokes Of Mr. Bean
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. (After 2 minutes)
Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son:
Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. (After 2 minutes)
Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son:
Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
The Pastor's Ass (18+ Joke)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Wife Gets Pregnant on Vacation
Banta Singh was talking to his travel agent Santa Singh.
Banta tells Santa, " I am ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant." Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says,
"This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Banta tells Santa, " I am ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant." Santa asks Banta "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Banta smiles and says,
"This year I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
Tote Ki Daastan
Ek baar ek Totaa (Bole to Parrot ) Ud Raha tha full speed par ....
Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari aa rahi thi ...
Dono ki takkar hui ...
Tota Behosh ...
Raste me Ek Beggar tha Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar le gaya ...
Usko Marham lagaya ..
Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...
Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...
Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
Bola ...
"AAILA ... JAIL .... Kya woh Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya?"
Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari aa rahi thi ...
Dono ki takkar hui ...
Tota Behosh ...
Raste me Ek Beggar tha Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar le gaya ...
Usko Marham lagaya ..
Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...
Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...
Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
Bola ...
"AAILA ... JAIL .... Kya woh Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya?"
Now that's a Doctor. I love this Doctor.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer ; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
PS. If someone meets this guy, stay away from him and keep your friends and family away from him, coz he will probably get you all killed.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:'
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
PS. If someone meets this guy, stay away from him and keep your friends and family away from him, coz he will probably get you all killed.
The Truth about Men & Women
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.
7. Although when the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have anything to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you
1. All men are extremely busy
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.
7. Although when the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have anything to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you
Logical & illogical
After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer,I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.”Professor, “Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?”Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer,and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A',although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”
How to Ask your Boss for a Salary Increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon .
Your$ $incerely,$
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear $,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .
Your Boss.
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company ..I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon .
Your$ $incerely,$
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :
Dear $,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .
Your Boss.
Three dead bodies
Three dead bodies turned up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner called the police inspector, to show him what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector," says the coroner. "Second body : Irishman , 25, won 10,000 pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Ah", says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Sri Lankan politician, 40, struck by lightning" "Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
CRAZY NOT EQUAL TO STUPID
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health). He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
A Cheating Wife
guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
A Costly Memorial Stone
Harold died.
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?
7 Advantages of Mother's Milk
Mother's Milk
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth70 points or none at all. One student in particular was having a hard time thinking of seven advantages. He had written: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child.2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.3.) It is always the right temperature.4.) It is inexpensive.5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, and just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth70 points or none at all. One student in particular was having a hard time thinking of seven advantages. He had written: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child.2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.3.) It is always the right temperature.4.) It is inexpensive.5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, and just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Software Engineer and his wife
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Marwadi Sales Guy
A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at London
's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in
the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was
a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and
said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And
finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many
sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "
Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff m
ake 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be do
ing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?"
=3D 93300534.00 pounds" said the young Marwadi. "What"," How did you manage
that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish ho
ok, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new
fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fis
hing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I
took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schoone
r with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be a
ble to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him tha
t new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sle
eper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in
about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"
"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins fo
r his wife and I said to him, "Si r, Your weekends screwed anyway, you migh
t as well go fishing."
Boss - "You sit in my chair........"
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Smart Parents
An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,
'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is eno
ugh!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not gett
ing divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my bro
ther back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.=20
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It'
s all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own air
fare!!'
Funniest 2 Line Rhymes
WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION , ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME - WITH THE MOS
T ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE
And The Winner Is------:-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime
Women Are Such Complex Creatures
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't you are not understanding.
If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it is a girls way.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.
If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
IN SHORT...
So simple, yet so complex,
So weak, yet so powerful,
So confusing, yet so desirable,
So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !
WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY
We are like this only so true, so very true........ ..
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foi
l.
3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Ai
rport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Ka
mini & Shamini..)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their re
al names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'
10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything new in your house
, whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. *****
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won
't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties'
will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special
occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as po
ssible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic uten=
sils (got free with purchase of other stuff)
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel mean
s any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer i
t that way).
23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or r
eceive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose
daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity
of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.
28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've e
aten, even if it's midnight=20
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discov
er you're talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have
improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lun
gs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty
.
33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
37. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it to as many India
ns as possible.
I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all o
f their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is b
etter that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell h
appened to your garments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are to
ugher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughi
ng WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright=20
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fa
ll asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, le
t's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is the only proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a ret
ard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer
. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel d
oes not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry=20
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically co
nverse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to h
is buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fa
st as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest a
nd weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowe
st brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In th
is way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, maki
ng the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always fee
l smarter after a few beers."
Munna bhai wrote a love letter to his girl friend
Apun Karta Hai Love Tumse
Bolay to Ma Kasam Se
Pooch Apun Ke Heart Se
Akha Ek Ek Part Se
Ander Sapno Mein Tu Hai
Bahar Bolay To Bhi Tu Hai
Yeh Wrong Nahin Right Hai
Love apun ka Two Side Hai
Teray bina apun ki Zindagi
Ek dam Black And White Hai
Ab ek dam bolta hai tum ko
Apun Tere Liye Mad Hai
Teray bin apun ki akha life
Ek tragedy kay mafiq sad hai
Tu Na Ho Front Mein
To Full Day Bad Hai
Apun Karta Hai Love Tumse
Bolay to Ma Kasam Se
Pooch Apun Ke Heart Se
Akha Ek Ek Part Se
Ander Sapno Mein Tu Hai
Bahar Bolay To Bhi Tu Hai
Two Old Indians on a Friday Night Party
Two old Indian men decide they are close to their last days and decide to h
ave a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local
brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old Indians and whispers to her manager
, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. Th
ese two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old Indian men go upstairs and t
ake care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was
dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
Laalu's appointment letter
Laloo Prasad sent his bio-data-to apply for a post in microsoft corporation,USA.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements.
Please do not send any further correspondence
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on reading this reply.
He arranged a press conference:
"Bhaiyon aur behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogi ki humko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted.Laloo Prasad continued....."Ab hum aap sab ko apna appointment letter padhkar sunaonga?par letter angrezee mein hai-isliye saath saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga.
Dear Mr.Laloo Prasad---pyare Laloo Prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet----aap to milte hi nahi ho
our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondence----ab letter vetter bhejne ka kaouna zaroorat naahi
No phone call----phoonwa ka bhi zaroorat naahi hai
shall be entertained----bahut khaatir ki jaayegi.
Thanks----aapka bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates----Tohar Bilwa.
The Dangerous Speeding Lady
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car..
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someoneyou know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car..
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someoneyou know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!
Sniffer Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work..'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work..'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Can you sell a dead donkey?
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old far=
mer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad =
news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."=20
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing b=
y lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for=
a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with t=
hat dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two doll=
ars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
mer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad =
news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."=20
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing b=
y lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for=
a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with t=
hat dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two doll=
ars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
One of the Best Interviews
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 =3D 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!
(Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International
phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction'etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.
Welcome to INFOSYS .. :-))
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 =3D 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!
(Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I gues! s it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International
phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction'etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.
Welcome to INFOSYS .. :-))
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........
M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........
M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
2 Intelligent Blondes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Real Meanings of Computer Terms
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Top 10 most stupid questions
1. At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together:When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes inAfrica marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your officeasks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus:A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together:When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes inAfrica marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your officeasks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
That's how Maths is Done
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
Real Cases in PC Customer Care Records
Have you ever wondered what all call-center employees have to deal with. Read on ...
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on the top of my desk."
-------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says 'Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: Please insert the "MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "Nooo..."
-------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
-------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
-------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
-------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-------------------------
16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: Please left click on start.... do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on the top of my desk."
-------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says 'Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: Please insert the "MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "Nooo..."
-------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
-------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
-------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
-------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-------------------------
16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Letme know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: Please left click on start.... do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Wife's Lover
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
ME and MY BOSS
When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's over worked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets.
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's over worked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets.
pArTy CRasHeRs
It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said
-
-
-
"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said
-
-
-
"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".
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