A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The Mentally Deficient
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?", the blonde asked.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'", said the doctor with a smile.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I don't know the answer to this as well. I must confess I don't know much about history myself."
An Year without Toilet?
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..
In England , a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.
She wrote to the schoolmaster
inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on
Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit
of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the
WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the
expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it
is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a
place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!
Serious Funny One Liners
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes..
[25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Really Interesting Survey on LIPSTICK
What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.
25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.
15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.
10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.
5% of the Lipstick is found in the Woman's Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.
And the remaining 40% of the Lipstick, where doees that go?
You will find it in some Man's Stomach.
English - A Crazy Language
A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
Only the English could have invented this language ???
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.
And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hetraveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took two months for Frank to get fullyrecovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?"
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took two months for Frank to get fullyrecovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?"
Corporate Stupidty
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addict
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
30 Lines to Make you Smile
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences... She thought she was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot, Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot, Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the st uffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room -spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS be cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Nudist Colony Rules (16+)
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
Few Jokes to Make you Laugh
Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
-The Bachelor comes home, takes one look at what's in the refrigerator, and goes to bed.
-The Married man comes home, takes one look at what's in the bed and goes to refrigerator!
Parent: How did you write your exam?
Son: they have given the questions which I don't know. So I wrote answers which they don't know..!!
Decent girls open a few buttons in a hot atmosphere...
But smart girls open a few buttons to make the atmosphere hot!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON: But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
MOM: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
SON: One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
MOM: Oh! That's not a r...eason. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON: Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?
MOM: One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
-The Bachelor comes home, takes one look at what's in the refrigerator, and goes to bed.
-The Married man comes home, takes one look at what's in the bed and goes to refrigerator!
Parent: How did you write your exam?
Son: they have given the questions which I don't know. So I wrote answers which they don't know..!!
Decent girls open a few buttons in a hot atmosphere...
But smart girls open a few buttons to make the atmosphere hot!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON: But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
MOM: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
SON: One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
MOM: Oh! That's not a r...eason. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON: Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?
MOM: One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
Tragic Love Story on an Engineer
When I was in 12th
She was in 12th
I got B.E
She got B.Com
I was B.E..
She got Ph.D.
I completed B.E..
She got a doctorate.
She got married..
I was preparing for M.Tech entrance..
She's the mother of two children..
I am doing my M.Tech..
Her daughter is in 1st standard
I completed my M.Tech
Her daughter passed 10th ..
I am joining a job..
Now I am settled and looking for a beautiful girl, just like her..
The greatest IRONY
Today is my ENGAGEMENT and her daughter is my 'Wife'
So Moral of the Story is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'
Agle Janam mein Commerce he liyo'
She was in 12th
I got B.E
She got B.Com
I was B.E..
She got Ph.D.
I completed B.E..
She got a doctorate.
She got married..
I was preparing for M.Tech entrance..
She's the mother of two children..
I am doing my M.Tech..
Her daughter is in 1st standard
I completed my M.Tech
Her daughter passed 10th ..
I am joining a job..
Now I am settled and looking for a beautiful girl, just like her..
The greatest IRONY
Today is my ENGAGEMENT and her daughter is my 'Wife'
So Moral of the Story is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'
Agle Janam mein Commerce he liyo'
Balance Sheet of Life
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced aViews are our Liabilities.
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets.
Heart is our Current Asset.
Soul is our Fixed Asset.
Brain is our Fixed Deposit.
Thinking is our Current Account.
Achievements are our Capital.
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade.
Friends are our General Reserves.
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill.
Love is our Dividend.
Children are our Bonus Issues.
Education is Brands / Patents.
Knowledge is our Investment.
Experience is our Premium Account.
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced aViews are our Liabilities.
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets.
Heart is our Current Asset.
Soul is our Fixed Asset.
Brain is our Fixed Deposit.
Thinking is our Current Account.
Achievements are our Capital.
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade.
Friends are our General Reserves.
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill.
Love is our Dividend.
Children are our Bonus Issues.
Education is Brands / Patents.
Knowledge is our Investment.
Experience is our Premium Account.
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Unmarried Girl Gets Pregnant
A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.
Scared,
She confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and theGirl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, If there is a miscarriage or unsucessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Scared,
She confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and theGirl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, If there is a miscarriage or unsucessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Notices and Signs that Deserve an 'E' Grade
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself..
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself..
One Line Proposals, Even Shorter Rejections
1. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
Reply : I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!
2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.
Reply : So, how many times did you fail kinder garten?
3. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.
Reply : Yes, they are. I've been running away from you!
4. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
Reply : Yeah.. why don't you walk by and just keep walking!
6. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.
Reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?
7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would be enough)
8. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
Reply : You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!
9. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Reply : So, that's your problem.. simple mathematics otherwise!
Reply : I don't mind where you die.. as long as you do!
2. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.
Reply : So, how many times did you fail kinder garten?
3. Are your legs tired? Because you been running through my mind ALL day long.
Reply : Yes, they are. I've been running away from you!
4. Are you lost? Because it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
Reply : How many times have you been to heaven, anyway?
5. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
Reply : Yeah.. why don't you walk by and just keep walking!
6. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.
Reply : What are you on? Crack or cocaine?
7. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Reply : (too corny.. maybe a disgusted look would be enough)
8. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
Reply : You can be sure of going to hell.. your stupidity will assure you of a place!
9. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Reply : So, that's your problem.. simple mathematics otherwise!
It's Hell Getting Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man Mushtaq was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam in Lahore.
The doctor gave Mushtaq a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old Mushtaq reappeared at the doctor's clinic and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the Mushtaq explained,
'Well, doctor saab, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Big Abida, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' Mushtaq replied,
'You see, none of us could get the jar open.'
An 85-year-old man Mushtaq was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam in Lahore.
The doctor gave Mushtaq a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old Mushtaq reappeared at the doctor's clinic and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the Mushtaq explained,
'Well, doctor saab, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Big Abida, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' Mushtaq replied,
'You see, none of us could get the jar open.'
Drinks at a Bar
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina (a female ballet dancer) a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina (a female ballet dancer) a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Naming the Twins
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
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