Little Johnny and Dough

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first.....Dough, D O U G H..

" Italians make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.

"Dough, D O U G H. . My brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

Depression - The best one yet

Depression

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of
Israel, "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and
I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised
the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans,
the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc.

So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call
center in Iraq... and when I told them I was feeling suicidal,
they all got excited and asked if I could fly an Aeroplane.

Camping Out

With Summer Vacation season upon us I found this to be some good reading. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

No Sex since 1955

A crusty old marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"No, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Wife and Girlfriend Comparisons

Wife is like TV
girlfriend is like MOBILE (Cell)

At home watch TV
go out bring MOBILE

No money, sell TV
Got money change MOBILE

Sometimes enjoy TV
but most of the time play with MOBILE

TV is free for life
but MOBILE if you don't pay, the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!
But MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable
but for MOBILE is high and often demanding

TV got remote
MOBILE don't have

Most important, MOBILE is two ways communication (talk and listen)
but with TV you MUST listen to it (either you want to hear nagging or not)

Last but not least!
TV do not have virus,
but MOBILE, yes, they do have VIRUS!

Product Wording (What Advertising Terms Actually Means

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

The Sweet Revenge

The Sweet Revenge

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.

They tried everything; cleaned &mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home; including the curtain rods.

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER

A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'

The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

Hearing Problem

A True Story from North Carolina

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's on next Wednesday."

Fathers of Today

This is all about comparing fathers of times past, and the fathers of today...

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding n*ked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

You May be a TALIBAN If............

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States.

Love Tips By Kids

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

Two Blonde Genies

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:

"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

I Never Take Risk while Drinking

Starts out boring but it's Hillarious!!!!

SIMPLY AWESOME ..

I never take risk while drinking!

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
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I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
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I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the
sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep
it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I
will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
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I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
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I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

Dear Dogs and Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' A*s. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner

Doctor Notes

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

New Year Resolutions you can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Things never to say to a Woman in Dressing Room

Here are some pretty heartless things to say to a woman in dressing rooms...

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...

I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers...

I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots

Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?

Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you.

Experience Bolta Hai

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?

Old Man: Certainly not.

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if You tell me the time?

Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?

Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

Young Man: Quite possible.

Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?

Young Man: Possible

Old Man: Then will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.

Young Man: Smiles.

Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

Young Man: Smiles

Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles

Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.

Questions You Can Never Answer

Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?

A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!

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Q. Who sits on babies?

A. A babysitter.

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Q. What has arms and legs, but no head?

A. A chair!

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Q. What runs but never walks?

A. Water!

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Q. What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

A. A blackboard!

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Q. What did the light say when it was turned off?

A. I'm delighted!

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Q. What has a head and a tail but no body?

A. A coin!

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Q. What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

A. Stinkerbell!

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Q. What is the richest kind of air?

A. Millionaire.

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Q. Why did the girl throw the clock out the window?

A. Because she wanted to see time fly!

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Q. Which is faster, cold or heat?

A. Heat, you can catch a cold!

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Q. What jam can't be eaten on toast?

A. A traffic jam!

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Q. Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?

A. In case he got a whole in one!

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Q. What two things can't you have for dinner?

A. Lunch and breakfast!

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Q. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?

A. He got fed up with the whole business!

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Q. What's the hottest letter in the alphabet?

A. 'B', because it makes oil...Boil!

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Q. Why did the pony cough?

A. He was a little hoarse!

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Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A. He had no body to go with!